Thursday, March 24, 2011

5 Excuses for Sleeping Late

1) The goldang cat crawls up onto my pillow in the night and curls up either next to, or directly on top of, my face. I'd like to think he really, really loves me, but I know the truth. My face is just another warm spot, especially when he gets right in front of my mouth so I can breathe on him. But, I swear, he only does it when he can tell I'm just about to fall asleep. Maybe it's revenge for all the times I've plopped down clumsily on the sofa and woken him up. Or maybe it's revenge for all the times I've smacked him with my elbow because he's always sitting right there when I turn around. Maybe it's revenge for the time he ran between my feet while I was walking and I accidentally kicked him. He glared at me so hard when I did that.

"You b*tch."

2) I stayed up late reading something. Usually it's somebody's blog. When I was a kid we had this thing called “paper,” and we used it to print these things called “books.” You hardly see them anymore, but I hear they're still around.

3) I had a drink. I don't even have to get drunk. One or two drinks, too close to bedtime, keeps me awake. In any case, I rarely go to the bar intending to get drunk. I'm always just going for one drink, and then I have that drink, and then it decides to throw a party and calls all its friends. I guess I should expect that sort of thing. It's a bar, after all. What do I think is going to happen?

4) I'm having a really good dream, and I don't want to wake up. A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I'd married the love of my life and we'd moved into a massive chalet – I mean, this place was so big you could get lost in it. In fact, in the dream, I did get lost in it. Much of this amazing, fantastic, wonderful dream that I didn't want to wake up from consisted of myself wandering around this massive chalet, gaping and saying things like, “Oooh, another kitchen!” or, “Wow, a fourth sauna!” My whole family moved in with us, and some of my neighbors, too. Paula Deen was there, making So Good You're a Diabetic Now Cheesecake in kitchen number three. We opened a honey farm, and we farmed the best dang honey in the world.

5) I stayed up late writing something. It was probably something much longer than this post.


  1. Your cat sounds just like my cat. Boxie starts the night at my feet, then sneaks her way up over the course of the night so I wake up with some part of cat in my face.

    We really are just warm spots to them. Warm spots that feed them.

  2. We are so easily manipulated by our feline companions...*sigh*

  3. I wouldn't have it any other way.

  4. I have just cackled all the way through this post. In particular at the feline antics and the drink that called all its friends and threw a party.

    Thank you! *hugs*

  5. I am diggin the dream. If I ever find myself blessed enough to have 3 kitches, Paula Deen better be in there puttin some butter on somethin or else I'm gonna be pouty. Mmmm honey.

  6. INORITE! If you're rich enough for three kitchens, you ought to be rich enough to have Paula Deen for a personal chef!

  7. Yep, reading and writing. They suck you in, and you lose all sense of time.

  8. You'd think I would've learned my lesson by now.

  9. Oooh... I like your dream! Can I move in too?

    India Drummond

  10. This is why they won't let cats in the room with babies, and where the old wives tale about cats "sucking out the baby's breath" came from. Cats love faces. Don't know why, but they do, and they will actually smother a baby accidentally if allowed to sleep with it.

    My cat loves to get as close to me as she can and then fall over onto me, snuggling as close as possible to my body. If I roll over, she moves to snuggle up close to my back.

    The way to keep cats away from your face is to put Noxzema on your neck and face at night. They hate the smell.

  11. That makes sense. I'm still convinced they just like being breathed upon. Something about sniffing eyeballs, too, really seems to please them.

    Unfortunately, I hate the smell of Noxema, too. Maybe that would work for keeping them out of potted plants.