Thursday, March 31, 2011

9 Reasons You Didn't Get a Third Date (To the Last Guy Who Didn't Get a Third Date)

1) By Date Two, There Were Already Communication Problems

On the first date, you showed up casually dressed in a T-shirt, jeans, and a hat. You wore a little cameo of the Buddha around your neck, because you're a Buddhist. Fair play.

On the second date, you showed up dressed to the nines in a tweed jacket with elbow patches (wait a minute, who wears those?), slacks, and a button-down shirt. At least you didn't wear a tie.

I, on the other hand, felt out of place, having stayed with the casual tone of the first date. You could have advised me of the change in the dress code.

2) You're a Fidgety Little Rascal, Aren't You?

When you took my hand on the walk to the restaurant, you didn't just sedately hold it like an ordinary person. You rubbed my palm incessantly with the tip of your thumb. When I removed my hand from yours, you put your arm around my shoulders and proceeded to rub my upper left arm rhythmically. Stop it. Just, stop.

3) You Treated Me Like I Was Stupid

I may not be the best cook, but I know that cheese fondue is supposed to have a little fire under it, and that that fire is supposed to keep the cheese all warm and drippy. And I can surmise that, when the fire goes out, the cheese goes all cold and lumpy. I have two eyes, and they work. Don't wave me off and try to tell me everything's fine when I can see for myself the fondue fire is out.

4) For that Matter, You Took Me Out for Cheese Fondue

Cheese fondue is not a date food, unless that date is an obligatory one with a partner you've grown to despise, and you're looking for any excuse to avoid sex later.

Because it makes you feel as if your stomach's dropped into your pelvis, that's why. -- jay.tong

5) You Don't Drink, But I Do

Not that there's anything wrong with not drinking. To be fair, you'll probably live a longer, healthier life. But I don't believe your repeated assurances that you don't care if I drink. That might be easy to say now, but it won't be so easy when I call you up after midnight to come and pull me out of the shrubbery I've fallen into, and now can't escape from.

6) You Said, “I Feel as if Destiny Brought Us Together.”

Dude. You haven't even told me your last name, and already you're talking about destiny? Don't be a creep.

7) Your Joke About This Being the Last Time You Pay for Dinner Wasn't Really that Funny

Alright, it was funny the first time. Kinda. I laughed out of politeness, really. When you dragged it out for ten minutes and then tried to get the waiter involved, it lost its charm. Somehow.

8) You Asked to Come Home With Me

“I don't want to have sex with you,” you said. “I just want to hold you in my arms all night.”

Really? Really? What are we, sixteen? It might be time to hammer out a new line, buddy. Just sayin'.

9) I Can't Find Even One Reason to Go Out With You Again, Really

But, as you can see, I can find lots of reasons not to.

15 comments:

  1. LOL. He doesn't want to pay for dinner but he wants to hold you all night? Sounds fair. ;-)

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  2. I didn't even know you were into guys ... but fondue and non-drinker, that's not really a good combo or fun

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  3. I have bad fondue memories. :( The chocolate fondue is sexy, I gotta say. Not that I've ever gone on a date ('tis true!). LOL @ the rhythmic rubbing. Hand holding is not supposed to be a Tantric act. We get it-- you're SENSUAL. Nubby fabrics communicate that a lot easier.

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  4. @slappywhyte Yeah, you need to drink with the fondue. It's the only thing that can mitigate the cheese.

    @Lynne It was like he sat down and made a list of ways to annoy me beforehand.

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  5. I didn't think people actually did fondue. I mean I've SEEN it done, but never wanted to try it. It's... odd.

    I do kinda sympathise with the drinking thing. I'm a non-drinking Buddhist myself. And I don't care if anyone else drinks. That alone wouldn't have bothered me (on its own), I think, even when I did drink. But the talk about paying for dinner and asking to come home with me would have really creeped me out.

    Sounds like you made a good call!

    India Drummond

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  6. @India Well, I reckon if you're a non-drinker, you should ideally couple up with another non-drinker -- or at least someone who doesn't actually get drunk. There's nothing more irritating than a drunk person when you're sober.

    All things considered, I got the impression it was going to turn into a "say one thing, do another" situation on his part. Plus, he was just plain annoying. ProTip: If you have to ASK to come back to the girl's place...you're not in.

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  7. Oh my god point 4 is hilarious. What the fuck, fondue date? That's not even a proper meal. That's just dipping and dropping shit in cheese and wondering if you should leave it in there or if it's okay to dig it out with your fingers.

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  8. Come and have fondue in a little family owned restaurant in a cabin in the woods half way up a mountain that we have to hike up to through the snow (don't worry it's only 15 mins) and fall back down laughing through the same snow having been plied with complimentary "digestifs" of some local herbal shots and then tell me it's not date food!!

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  9. Chocolate fondue = opportunity for very romantic dessert.

    Cheese fondue = opportunity for 3rd degree burns on your tongue that pretty much rule out much in the way of fun later in the evening, assuming that your date is worthy of such fun.

    And yeah, if you have to ask if you can come in, the answer is no, so why humiliate yourself asking? Express an interest, that's fine, but for god's sake, man, have a little pride...

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  10. I've never had chocolate fondue. Some girls have all the luck. :P

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