Monday, August 29, 2011

THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING HIDE!!!!


It's been rescheduled. Again. Harold Camping, the worst Rapture-predictor of all time, has pushed back the date to October 21, 2011.

"Oh Holy Abacus, get it right this time." ~ Thomas Claveirole

At first he was saying that we (that is, the heathens left behind) would suffer through five months of Armageddon as described the Book of Revelations. But since there have been scheduling difficulties (God's got a lot on His plate), the Rapture, the Final Judgment and the End of All Things will now be happening all at once, and the Book of Revelations can go f&ck itself.

The Christian Crazies have now decided that the DC earthquake was a sign of the End Times. Because earthquakes just don't happen on the East Coast, you guys. They just don't. Ever.

Except sometimes. Here are some of the “severe” earthquakes that have occurred in Virginia:

  • 9 March 1828 An earthquake epicentered near Roanoke sent tremors all the way to Ohio.
  • 27 August 1833 This one killed two miners, who appear to have been trampled to death by freaked-out other miners, and “visibly agitated” some structures.
  • 29 April 1852 This one, too, occurred near Roanoke and was felt as far away as Philadelphia.
  • 31 August 1861 Another one felt in Ohio.
  • 22 December 1875 This one was on the coast. It broke windows in Richmond and caused, “general alarm,” although I'd imagine not too much, cause they didn't have Facebook yet.
  • 31 May 1897 The largest earthquake in Virginia history, this one was felt in Indiana.
  • 9 April 1918 This earthquake appears to have been comparable in size to the recent one in DC, with a felt area reaching West Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania.

There have been lots of them, actually, before and since, but I'm sick of the list now, and I think you get my point.

Except that this earthquake was different, you guys. This one cracked the Washington Monument. And you know what that means!

It means someone has to climb up and fix the friggin' thing, doesn' it? ~ OceanGroveDave
According to Pat Robertson, whom I refuse to call “reverend,” it means God doesn't like us anymore and will be smiting the sh*t out of us very soon. I mean, this is highly symbolic. We're One Nation Under God, right? It says so on the money, right? So that puts Him in charge, right?

Wrong.

Robertston reckons that this earthquake in DC is a sign of the Second Coming of Christ. The ultra-reputable website, Apocalypse2011.com, backs him up. Both point out that earthquakes will destroy the Earth in the days before Jesus returns.

Hang on a second...“destroy the Earth?” As in, the whole Earth? I've checked and most of it's still here. It wasn't that big of a quake after all. The monument cracked, it didn't fall down.

It didn't even crack that much. ~ National Park Service

Earthquakes, smerthquakes...read about the TRUE signs of the apocalypse here!

6 comments:

  1. This guy is plum crazy. Sure, the bible does mention different things that will happen leading up to the rapture but they are things that have been happening. Here's the thing, God says nobody will know the day nor the hour. I'm certainly not God and I wouldn't want that job. Therefore, these "crazies" need to leave it up to the big man upstairs. :))

    ~Chrissy~

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  2. I know, right? Sometimes I think they WANT the world to end. Well, sure they do, cause in their version of events, it means they go to Heaven, right? *sigh*

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  3. Pat Robertson inspires more people to atheism than Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins combined. Of course, Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins combining would be a pretty strange sight.

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  4. EUREKA I HAVE FOUND IT! Pat Robertson is a double agent!

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  5. Of course they want the world to end. That means they were right all along, and I can't imagine their consternation if it turns out they were wrong. (But of course, they can't ever be WRONG-- just MISTAKEN). We should be grateful, anyway. IF they are right, then every time they say "Today's the big day!" according to their source text, the Bible, that day cannot possibly be the day. There should be a believer devoted to declaring each morning that the world will end; that'll preserve it forever!

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  6. Well according to that logic, Lynne, the world WILL last forever, since there's ALWAYS somebody out there declaring it's about to end! Always has been!

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