Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Things that Kinda Freak Me Out: Hairless Cats


Today, I thought I'd blog about hairless cats, or Sphynx cats as they're called, because they're freakin' hideous. They look like something you might wanna poke with a stick, or something that might just f*cking eat you if you fail to answer its riddles three.

Look at them. Just look at them. ~ JLplusAL

They start out resembling Dobby from Harry Potter...

Soon he'll be wanting paid for his work. ~ JLplusAL

...and wind up looking like your Granddad.

Hey kid, pull my finger! ~ JLplusAL

According to Wikipedia (the most reliable source online), these wrinkly monstrosities are warm to the touch, and feel like Chamois leather. No word on whether you can use them to wax your car.

The Sphynx breed originated in Canada, a nation with the perfect climate for bald housepets. The first Sphynx cat was born to a regular cat in 1966, and aptly named “Prune.” Breeders, dizzy with the glorious possibilities, bred Prune with its own mother, because that's not disgusting at all.

They came up with a second hairless kitten, which they then bred with Prune to create a race of inbred, sickly affronts to nature. They all died, and with them, died mankind's dreams of owning scary f*cking cats.

But wait! In 1975 and 1976, farm cats in Minnesota, USA gave birth to two more bald kittens. They were called Dermis and Epidermis, because bald cat breeders are like that. Having learned their lesson about the inbreeding, they crossed these cats with Devon Rex cats, a similar breed that isn't hairless, but still looks kinda funny due to its short, curly hair.

Or, as I like to call it, Cat-Fro. ~ freestyle nl

Devon Rex crossings were eventually phased out, but Sphynx cats are still sometimes crossed with Russian Peterbalds and Russian Donskys, two breeds which aren't entirely hairless but have a thin, velvety layer of fur that barely covers their modesty.

From left to right: Peterbald and Donsky. Not pictured: Affronts to nature.  ~ Peterbald, Alex Rave

Like other cats, the Sphynx cat's skin coloration matches its fur coat coloration...

Really! ~ rootskontrolla

...or would do if it had one.

Wikipedia notes that these cats “sleep with their owners under the covers” and “huddle against other animals” to keep warm. Well, no sh*t Sherlock.

I need a f*cking sweater because I don't have any f*cking fur, a**hole. ~ Quinton Moran

Unlike other cats, Sphynx cats need to be bathed once a week...

Put my ugly ass down and step away from the tub. ~  JLplusAL

...and cannot be left outside. They're vulnerable to sunburn, and can easily freeze to death.

Because I don't have any f*cking fur, b*tch!

And in case you're wondering what bald cats eat...

Oh dear Lord in Heaven, when does it ever end??? ~ Winona Morris

18 comments:

  1. It's not often I laugh this hard. Well played Ms. McAtee.

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  2. Glad you liked it, Jacob. Thanks for commenting! :)

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  3. Oh my, are these for real? Nature can be cruel sometimes.
    eden

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  4. These have got to be chihuahuas or something. I love every kind of cat, and these are not cats.

    (happy late birthday, by the way. If I'd had your address I woulda mailed you a pie. Or something like that. You know, I probably would've. It wouldn't be pretty, but it would be hella thoughtful.)

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  5. @Eden Take it easy on nature, I don't think she's entirely to blame for this.

    @Paulie That pie would have been super moldy and gross by the time it arrived. That said, there's nothing I would've liked more for my birthday than a moldy pie from Paulie.

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  6. Never gonna look at cats the same now that I know what creepiness they're hiding underneath all of that fluffy fur. Aren't you glad they can't just decide on their own to shave it all of?

    Awarding you the Liebster Award and you have to take it. http://solitarymama.com/2011/09/mein-liebster-award-and-how-to-show-a-blogger-love/

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  7. I have a feeling they wouldn't.

    Oooooh an award! Sweet! :D Thanks Christina!

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  8. So glad I visited today, my mood is lifted!

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  9. You know what they say...laughter is the best medicine :)

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  10. Holy crap. I wasn't much of a cat fan before this, but this seals it.

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  11. @Word Nerd I love cats, I just prefer them with fur. The more, the better. :P

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  12. I really did LMAO reading this, because I'm with you kiddo, those cats are just wrong!!!!! They look demonic and I don't care if they feel like chamois, there's no way I'd ever want to hold one of them, never mind pet it. Eeew!! I lump them with rodents, because to me, that's what they look like. I love that you write about such random s**t.

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  13. Glad you enjoyed it! :) I wish I'd thought to say something about their creepy little toes.

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  14. I love cats, but naked kitties are just wrong! Excellent blog post, as usual.

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    1. Well, you can't say you weren't warned. ;)

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  15. I love cats but these are butt-ugly. Never gonna get one.

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  16. love the humor of this piece Marjorie! i laughed hard... while at the same time wondering why people insist on breeding animals like this... (appreciate all the information you provided... much I didn't know!) in this case, it appears people bred an animal in a very superficial manner only because of how people wanted the animal to look while disregarding the sun burning the poor cat's skin & her means to keep warm... This kind of thing reinforces my view that Nature is far smarter than human beings... I just feel bad for some of these poor hairless cats & hope at least some of the people are taking proper care of them... Thanks for sharing this with me. Very well written :-)

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    1. I feel like if you had one you'd have to take good care of it because they're really expensive! But the cat themselves probably don't miss the fur since they don't know any better.

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