I'll tell you guys something – I grew up on vampire stories. I was obsessed with that sh*t as a kid. I'm talking Bram Stoker's Dracula, Salem's Lot, The Lost Boys, Nosferatu – the old-school vampires, none of this sparkly crap you get now. No, those were real vampires, the sort you have to kill three different ways to make sure they're dead.
In the past couple of decades, vampires have become a whole lot less threatening. What used to be a ruthless predator hungry for our very blood has become a melodramatic pretty boy who mopes around crying because he just loves us too much.
That's exactly what they want you to think.
Vampires are sexy, and they know it. They're primal beasts ruled by passion. They have dangerous urges they can't control. They're charming. They're sophisticated. They have long signatures. And they can control your thoughts.
Don't believe the hype. Don't trust these sons of b*tches. The minute you let your guard down, they will suck your freaking blood.
Here's what you need to know to stay safe:
Vampires Cannot – I Repeat, CANNOT – Go Out in the Sun
I don't care what anyone tells you. I don't care what excuses they make. “Oh, they can go out in the sun, they're just more sensitive than we are.”
Bullsh*t. Any vampire worth his coffin will fry to a crisp in direct natural light, and he knows it. These “sensitivity” stories come straight out of the vampire propaganda machine.
Vampires cannot go out in the sun. They can't go out wearing sun block, a floppy hat, big sunglasses and long sleeves. They can't go out carrying a parasol. They can't go out on a cloudy day. They can't go out in the sun. Period.
Vampires Have No Reflections
This is one of the ways you can identify them. Vampires have no souls, so they can't see themselves in a mirror, or any other reflective surface. They don't show up on film, and they can't be videotaped.
Vampires Always Write Their Names Backwards
Like most very intelligent human beings, vampires tend to underestimate the intelligence of those around them. The average vampire thinks he's going to fool us by writing his name backward. Of course, unless his name is actually Dracula, it will probably work. Just look for the pale guy with the really weird name.
Vampires Need to Sleep in Soil from Their Original Graves to Remain Healthy
Look for the pale guy with the weird name who smells like corpse dirt.
Vampires (Probably) Hate Garlic
There seems to be some debate over this. Apparently, according to Eastern European folklore, garlic is a catch-all talisman against evil forces. So, I'm thinking this might work well on really old or Eastern European vampires, but maybe not so much against a young vampire from L.A.
Vampires Hate Crosses
And holy water, and Bibles, and Christian religious symbols in general. This is presumably because they're soulless children of Satan, but I can't help thinking it seems a little unfair to the other religions. If you don't have a cross, crucifix or Bible handy, try brandishing a statue of the Buddha. Let me know what happens.
If That Fails, Burn It
Few things, living or undead, can stand up against a flame thrower. It might not kill the vampire, but it will slow it down.
Vampires Can't Come in Without Being Invited
So whatever you do, for the love of God, don't let them into your house.
Vampires Can, And Sometimes Must, Be Killed Three Different Ways
You know there's always going to be some idiot who goes ahead and invites the vampire in, putting you in danger. Feel free to toss this idiot into the vampire's arms and make a run for it, but remember that vampires are ten times stronger than you, ten times faster than you, and also, they can fly. So you're really only buying yourself about ten seconds there.
No, eventually, you're going to have to face the vampire and kill it. At this point, it's useful to know what kind of vampire you're facing.
Yes, there are different kinds of vampires. There are stupid vampires and there are smart vampires.
Stupid vampires are generally the minions of smart vampires. They're people who were drained dry, died, and then came back to “life.” They're like strong, fast zombies who can fly and don't rot. They're usually relatively young, as vampires go, and you can usually just stake them in the heart and be done with it.
Smart vampires occur when a vampire feeds from a human without killing, and then shares some of its blood with that human. They retain human intelligence; in fact, they usually get smarter as the centuries go by. They can be a real b*tch to get rid of, especially if they're really old and powerful.
Whenever you've got a vampire infestation, what you're probably looking at is one smart, or “master,” vampire who has created a bunch of other ones from your neighbors. What you want to do is kill that master vampire, cause once you kill him, all the vampires he's created will die.
The trouble is, vampires gain stamina the older they get. So if you're facing a really old master vampire, a stake to the heart might just make it angry.
When that happens, you have to cut off the head.
Once you've got the stake in the heart and the head cut off, you have a couple of options. You can wait till sunrise, then leave the pieces of vampire outside. Once they've turned to ashes, you can scatter the ashes, ensuring that none of the vampire's ghouls (humans under its control) come along and re-animate it by pouring blood over the remains.
Your other option is to drop both head and body into two separate bodies of running water. Vampires, like other supernatural beings, can't cross running water, so this effectively paralyzes it.
Van Helsing recommends that you ashify the vampire and then pour the ashes into a couple of different rivers.