Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Vampire Watermelons: The Garden Patch Isn't Safe Anymore

A Mother Life

One of my readers, a mysterious figure known only as AcrylicCatt, has brought to my attention the existence of vampire fruit. Vampire watermelons and vampire pumpkins, to be exact.

Naturally, I couldn't just let this one slide.

The belief in vampire watermelons and pumpkins seems to originate from the Roma people of Kosovo-Metohija, in Yugoslavia. Historian Tatomir Vukanovic traveled there from 1933 to 1948, while studying the culture and folklore of the Roma and Serbs. Years later, the tidbit about vampire watermelons (and pumpkins) turned up in Vukanovic's longer essay on Roma vampire folklore, published in the not-so-politically-correct Journal of the Gypsy Lore Society.

Apparently, the Roma professed a heartfelt belief in vampire fruit, claiming that pumpkins, and especially watermelons, were known to develop a taste for blood and fight one another. They were even said to roll around, looking to do harm to humans by, presumably, bumping up against them or something, since they don't have teeth.

"I vant to suck your bluuuuuuuud...somehow..."

Watermelons and pumpkins are said to develop a taste for human blood if they're left outside under the light of a full moon. Watermelons, apparently, may also turn into vampires if they're kept longer than ten days. Pumpkins, however, can turn into vampires if they're kept until after Christmas, or longer than three years, though I'm not sure how that works out.

Christmas still comes every year, right?

Once it has made the ghastly transformation, vampire ground fruit is said to roll around, “shaking itself” and growling. I guess they're capable of moving pretty well under their own steam, hence the “looking for people to bump up against” part of the legend.

Maybe they could jump at you? ~ Eric Kilby

You can tell when your watermelon or pumpkin has become a vampire, because it will start weeping blood.

Like this.

Don't get freaked out, it's not really blood. Watermelons start to leak a little after a few days. It's normal. It's not going to eat you.

Much.

You get rid of vampire watermelons, pumpkins and possibly even gourds the same way you get rid of lobsters – by plunging them into boiling water.

"Please! I have kids!" ~ Jerzy Strzelecki

Then you scrub the offending fruit with a “broom” (or a bristle brush, I'm assuming), discard it, and then burn the broom. Cause, you know, it's got vampire juice all over it by now.

Something tells me they were putting you on, Vukanovic. 


12 comments:

  1. Idk. Vampire pumpkins arent really scary. Especially if theyre just gonna roll up and rub on you. If you can't defend yourself against a pumpkin with no limbs then something is wrong.

    Bald vampire cats would be a totally different story though.

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  2. LOL Christina!!!!! Love this post.

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  3. I'm with Christina on this. If you can't fight off a pumpkin, you don't deserve to live.

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  4. Brilliant, but this leaves me wanting to know more. I'll never look a pumpkin in the eye the same way again, thanks :)

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  5. Agreed, everyone, the pumpkins aren't scary. But, like I said, I just couldn't let it slide! Thanks for commenting guys! Mwah! :D

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  6. this sounds as legit as one of those cryptoid sightings. you know, like the pope lick monster or the florida skunk ape. no question about it, it's real.

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  7. I'm going to have to blog about sh*t like this more often. The Pope Lick monster sounds ripe for piss-taking.

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  8. I did like a general overview post on cryptoids like . . . a hundred years ago. There are some really, really great ones out there.

    I think you should do it. The people need to know.

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  9. Yeah, maybe I can start a new column. Though I generally feel inclined to take the piss out of these things.

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  10. Oh, so I was wrong; they're called "cryptids" not "cryptoids". AAAGGHHHH WRONG ON THE INTERNET?! Someone lock me up.

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  11. Can't, too much of a burden on the system. You'll just have to kill yourself from the shame.

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