Monday, October 24, 2011

Zombies 101: Keeping Your Head When the Whole World Wants to Eat It

A Mother Life

The regular apocalypse might have stood us up last week, but that doesn't mean the Zombie Apocalypse couldn't still come. If the regular apocalypse does show up eventually, there will probably be zombies anyway. I seem to remember reading about that in the Bible, back when I was 12 and looking for curse words.

Now, when I say “keeping your head,” I mean, literally. If you can't stay calm when your friends, neighbors and loved ones become walking corpses ravenous for your flesh, I can't help you.

In this post, I'm going to teach you guys how to kill zombies. I would've thought killing zombies would be common knowledge by now, but I guess I'd be wrong. I was recently talking to some friends on Twitter, and it became obvious, through the course of our conversation, that they did not know how to kill zombies.

I was appalled.

Of course, you take out the brain or cut off the head, right? Everyone knows that. Well, everyone knows that now.

Trouble is, it can get more complicated, depending on what kind of zombies you're dealing with.

Yes, there are different kinds of zombies. There are:

Stupid Zombies

These are the shuffling, arms-out, groaning, “Braaaiiins” type of zombies that you see in most of the films. They are literally the walking dead. Their brains have rotted out and their bodies will also be rapidly deteriorating as they go, especially if it's a hot summer day.

This is an ice cream cone, but you get the idea. ~ Rex Roof

Apparently they can't even smell you or anything, because both Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead feature human characters who move freely among the undead by shuffling, moaning, sticking their arms out and, in the case of Bill Murray, caking on a lot of makeup.

Their only strengths seem to be, well, literal strength, and total f*cking scariness. They're not particularly slow, but I bet they'd slow down a lot once their legs rot and snap off. Until then, you can probably outrun them, if you're in reasonably good shape. Adrenalin rush, and all that. Besides, they're stupid, so you could totally outsmart them.

Unless you're stupid yourself.

All you have to do with this kind of zombie is keep yourself heavily armed, avoid dense population centers and any other areas where large amounts of people once hung out (like Wal-Mart), and don't put yourself in a potential ambush situation. Stay out of wooded areas, and don't enter any buildings, rooms, blind alleyways or cars without thoroughly checking them for zombies first.

Send in a puppy -- if it gets eaten, stay out. ~ NewYorker10021

Head for an easily defensible position on high ground, preferably fortified, and wait. You'll need food, water, ammunition, and medical supplies. Don't forget to do the decent thing and save a life or two, cause you'll also need someone to talk to while you're holed up in there. Don't save any a**holes, though, cause you'll regret it.

Eventually all the zombies will either a) freeze to death when winter comes, b) kill themselves by walking off cliffs or into the ocean or something because, remember, they're not smart, or c) rot to helpless freaking pieces. Who knows, they might even eat each other instead of you.

Fast Zombies

These are usually less the “walking dead” type of zombie and more the “infected by a horrible super-virus” kind of zombie. The good news is, they probably won't be as fast as vampires.

The bad news is, they probably won't be technically dead, so you may not be able to count on the rotting thing. All the same safety rules apply, but also, take up jogging. Now. Before they come for us.

We can only hope the fast-zombie virus kills its victims quickly and with certainty, or else you'll have to get used to a world roamed by super-fast, super-strong flesh-eating monsters.

Or maybe they'll recover, and then you can shoot them anyway. ~ Graham Colm

Smart Zombies

There's a very good chance the fast zombies will also be smart zombies. After all, no one says the fast-zombie virus affects cognitive function.

If you're up against smart zombies, you will probably have to outsmart them. If the zombies remain exactly as smart as they were when they were people, this could be easy, because most people are dumb as rocks.

Except for my faithful readers, of course.

If the zombies get smarter, however, you're probably f*cked. Especially if they're also really fast. Cause don't forget, they're also super-strong.

Same safety rules apply however – avoid densely populated areas, Wal-Marts, etc. Learn how to make some really good booby traps, cause you're going to need to set them once you get to your defensible area, assuming you make it that far.

If you find yourself ambushed by really smart, really fast, really strong zombies, throw some puppies at them. Hope they get distracted long enough to make a break for it.

We're going to need a lot more puppies.

You might try taking the zombie leader hostage, though that sounds like a really bad plan to me.

Otherwise, you could kill yourself. Or see how the other half lives. It's really up to you.

11 comments:

  1. Bahahaha...my favorite are Stupid Zombies. "Dont save any assholes tho cause you'll regret it." Totally making that my new motto. I think we should make t-shirts.


    I'm so glad I know you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Me too! *sniff*

    Srsly, tho, there's always that one total d*ck who screws things up for everybody, and you're always like, "Why don't they just shoot him?"

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Most people are dumb as rocks."

    You could be on to something...

    I can't believe people don't know how to kill zombies! Of course, I couldn't believe they didn't know the difference between dragons and wyverns, either. Go figure...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Notice how the redneck on The Walking Dead is actually turning out to be an okay guy? I think he secretly hated his brother and is glad he had to hack his own arm off.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Ciara To be fair, wyverns aren't as common now that most of the world's aristocrats have been executed.

    @D No, I haven't seen the new season yet. Quit spoiling it for me. :P

    ReplyDelete
  6. all I have to say:

    you got red on you.

    Or, one of my other favorite lines, which makes no sense out of context:

    "café au lait . . . pour voouuuuss!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love Shaun of the Dead. It's such a brilliantly done film.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think calling movies films is funny.

    ReplyDelete