Wednesday, January 11, 2012

10 Reasons You Should Marry a Hobbit


For those of you who don't know, my favorite book is The Hobbit. I've read it about two dozen times in English, and a further several times translated into French, because I figured I'd have it memorized and would learn some colloquial phrases. But I digress.

I love The Hobbit because the main character, Bilbo Baggins, rejects social custom and everything he's ever experienced or learned in order to follow his heart. He travels halfway across the world, meets lots of interesting new people, sees exotic new places, and discovers depths of courage and resourcefulness within himself that he never knew existed. It's like, the story of my life, y'all, except with dragons and dwarves instead of hippies and bums.

I wish there'd been some dwarves.

Anyway, the other day I was tweeting with @cmajaski and @bobbutterbottom about the possibility of a hot-shirtless-man-baking-cupcakes vlog. Naturally, the men in question would be tall, musclar, and efficiently waxed, otherwise it's just another cooking show.

Butterbottom said something like, “Are you sure you don't want small-boned, diminutive men with excessive knuckle-hair?” and I replied, “Sounds like you're describing hobbits,” and then everyone vomited in their mouths a little.

Well, except for me, but I've always gone after the short guys anyway.

Those stubby little legs make them easier to catch.

I think a hobbit would make an ideal life partner. Here's why:

1) He Could Introduce You to Some Dwarves

And then, if you help them kill the dragon, they'd give you some gold. Times are hard right now, and we could all use a little extra fstability. Besides, the price of gold is through the roof.

2) You Could Give Him a Drinks Tray Hat, Which Would Be Useful

But also grounds for divorce, so keep that in mind.

3) Hobbits Like Flowers

And women like flowers. You can see this would be a match made in heaven.

4) They're Great Cooks

And they always have plenty of food around, especially cakes. I find it hard to imagine a hobbit saying things like “Do you really think you should eat that?” It'd be more like, “Hey, save some of that for me.”

5) You'd Save a Lot of Money on Shoes

Hobbits don't need shoes, because their furry feet are self-insulating. You'd have a lot more room in the shoe budget, and you know what that means – more shoes for you, lady.

All the shoes your little heart desires.

6) They're Polite, but Adventurous

There you go, a nice guy who looks like Elijah Wood and isn't boring. Isn't that what you've been wishing for all these years?

7) He Could Build You a Really Cool Underground House

Granted, it would have really low ceilings, and tiny windows, but it wouldn't be dirty, wet, or smelly, nor sandy, bare, and dry, but comfortable. Hobbit homes are single-level, so you wouldn't have to worry about climbing up and down stairs, especially as you get older. You have to think about the future, you know.

Plus, you'd save on heating and air conditioning costs, as I understand these underground houses are well-insulated and maintain a pretty constant year-round temperature. And you know what that means...

MORE MONEY FOR SHOES!

8) You'd Have an Active Social Live

Hobbits are very fond of visitors and they never say no to a party.

9) Hobbits Love Clothes

Seriously, they have rooms and rooms devoted to nothing but their extensive wardrobes. You could read fashion magazines together, and you know he'd always look smart.

Albeit in a medieval peasant kind of way. ~ adplayers

10) You'd Get to Hang Out with Gandalf

What could possibly be cooler than that? Gandalf's like, totally cool. He's also self-important, manipulative and apparently lacking a steady wizarding job. I can see how Gandalf would get on some wifely nerves. He'd be that one asshole friend you can't stand, but have to be polite to anyway. Perhaps that's why Bilbo never married.

Or maybe he just couldn't give up the ring.


17 comments:

  1. Don't forget Hobbit loyalty. Just look at that Sam-Frodo relationship. No cheating there, and they weren't even married!

    (P.S. typo on "stability" under #1. Tag, you're it!)

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  2. LOL thanks Robin. And you're right, I totally spaced the loyalty thing.

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  3. 11. Excellent at putting their life experiences to paper, so something you would have in common, unlike the hairy feet I'm guessing.

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  4. While I'm thrilled and delighted to be mentioned here, I'm not as thrilled to be outed as a small boned man with excessive knuckle hair. haha
    Interesting though, you like this better than the Lord of the Rings books. hmmm
    And in the randomness of it all, I am currently re-reading the hobbit. Swear to god.

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  5. Oh shit, Bob, I didn't realize it was some kind of secret. And you've got dirt on me, as well. I've been stupid.

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  6. You're right, my dirt is a lot better than the fact I have knuckle hair.

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  7. It isn't a secret. I already knew Bob was a Hobbit. After reading this though I will certainly reconsider my stance on marrying one.

    But if he turns annoying and bugs me about reaching stuff off top shelves I'm done. I have things to do.

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  8. OMG Christina NO WONDER YOU'RE SINGLE! lol (Only joking. Please don't hit me).

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  9. We love lists and this is a fantastic one! What a good life we'd all have with Hobbits, you had us at cake!

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  10. I'm pretty certain by your description above, esecially regarding hairiness and stature, I have already married a hobbit. I now refer to him as E.X. Not all its cracked up to be I must say, maybe he was hobbit gone bad, don't know.

    I think I should probably do a 180 and date hot, tall, manscaped men that wear shoes. I'll let you know how it turns out.

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  11. Thanks you guys! :)

    Sorry you got a bad Hobbit, Cari. I guess every group of people has its losers.

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  12. LOL this is brilliant. Imagine if you got the ring, the fun you could have. x

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  13. You are just brilliant. Period.
    eden

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  14. I see down sides
    1)Hobbit man parts, not much to work with
    2)They can't get things down from shelves
    3)Get mistaken for pets at the park
    4)I believe they have a smell to them
    5)The voice would get old
    6)Booster chairs on romantic dates
    7)They get carded a lot, including dog tags
    8)They get scared easily
    9)They eat that dried bread all the time
    10)They shed

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  15. @Jen Yeah, I guess so, until I turned eviiiiiil.

    @Eden Thanks, Eden. :)

    @Fireman "They shed." LOL So do cats.

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  16. Admittedly, hanging out with Gandalf would be uber-cool...

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