Monday, January 16, 2012

I Got the Finger!


Last Thursday, I was lucky enough to receive a highly prestigious and much-coveted blogging award from fellow blogger and Bitchery Triad founder Christina Majaski at Solitary Momma. It's called The Finger Award and it was bestowed upon me because f*ck you.

Well, no, it's actually a token of Christina's love and esteem, I'm guessing, even though it looks like this:

You got the wrong side of the finger, Christina.

I am so super-stoked and you can bet your sweet ass this is going on my CV, right at the top, because I can't think of anything that would more highly recommend me to a potential employer.

Christina believes that there's no use for the middle finger other than saying “F*ck you,” wordlessly, especially while driving. Having had plenty of experience with British people and even with Italians, I can tell you that there's more than one way to say “f*ck you” in sign language, and some of them require the other fingers. That said, I can think of plenty of other uses for the middle finger, such as:

  • Typing the letters K, E, D, I, and C, as well as the comma and the numbers 3 and 8. This is assuming, of course, that you're a proper touch-typist, and not one of these people who sits there poking at the keyboard with one finger like they're afraid it's gonna bite.

Rawr.

  • Having a complete hand.

Very important.

  • Making shadow puppets, probably.

  • Holding a pencil or pen. I don't know how you hold your writing implements, but I sort of prop mine up against my middle finger. I have a big ugly callus on the first knuckle of my right middle finger. Take a look for it the next time I flip you off.

    I've noticed other people sort of pinch theirs with the first two fingers and the thumb. Either way, you really need that middle finger. You could hold a writing implement with the first and ring fingers, you know, if you didn't have a complete hand, but it would take some getting used to, I'd imagine.

  • Playing the piano. That is, if you play the piano. I don't and I'm only assuming you need your middle fingers for it. In fact, they'd probably come in handy for playing most instruments. I know mine came in handy when I used to play the Appalachian dulcimer.

This. ~ gurdonark

I'm sure there are probably some other great uses for the middle finger, but I think you get my point. The poor middle finger is more than just an obscene, naughty, aggressive perv-digit skulking around on your hand. It's a part of things. It has friends, family, and meaningful work to do. It has a life.

It even has a little mustache.

That said, the middle finger is, of course, THE MIDDLE FINGER, at least in some countries, and I'm sure that's what Christina had in mind when she devised this award, especially since she's pretty clear about her motivations in her own blog post.

I'm supposed to give The Finger Award (The Finger, for short) to two groups of people: those who know about it and those who don't. I will be giving The Finger to one group in the more traditional sense of, you know, Giving Them the Finger. I will be giving The Finger to the members of the other group in a “congratulations, you're a stroppy b*tch and I love you for it” kind of way. Or because they asked. Because yeah, there are people actually asking to receive this award. Imagine that.

People Who Are Getting the Finger and Don't Know It:
  • Dr. Phil. He's ridiculous and his advice is ridiculous. 
  • Angry and/or stupid Internet commenters. My own, of course, but not just my own.
  • People who make insulting jokes about West Virginia and/or West Virginians, especially when they do so right to my face.
  • Dudes who get pissy when I won't sleep with them.
  • People who take against me because of my accent.

I could go on, but that would be ruining the topics of several future blog posts, so I won't.

People Who Are Getting the Finger Because I Love Them:
  • BubblegumCari, also of the Bitchery Triad, because she wants it. Christina already gave her one, but she wants two so she can write two posts. Honestly, I can't imagine her having that many Fingers to give out, but I only know her online so I'd imagine there's a large part of her personality I don't get to see. Besides, who ever really knows anyone, anyway?
  • Amberr Meadows, also because she wants it. I told you there were people who wanted these things, but you didn't believe me, did you?
  • Rachel “In the OC” Thompson, because she is the Queen of Snark. She'll probably kill me, or at least wish me dead, for giving her this, but hey, whatevs. It's got a little mustache.
  • Paulie Eliott, at This is Paulie, because he'd f*cking love it. I know I've given Paulie awards before, but never one as well suited to him as The Finger Award.

Ok, that's only four, but I'm pretty sure most of the other bloggers I know would not want a Finger Award. It takes a special kind of person to be happy about The Finger Award. Besides, they have kids reading, and stuff.

6 comments:

  1. Congrats to you and to all of the new winners.

    I know it's the wrong side dammit. You can't draw a mustache on the other side. And still not believing a middle finger is necessary for all of that stuff you mentioned.

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  2. Well, I was kidding, and now I have to write two posts. Thanks a lot;) Trust me, I have enough pent up anger for 3, but I digress. I'm really nice when I'm not being a biatch.

    This will be my first post after my switch to Word Press, and I can give Blogger the finger.

    Amen, Doctor Phil totally deserved this. About time he was recognized for his ridiculous-ness.

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  3. Fingers: also good for fingering. Sorry I had to bring that up. Very important stuff.

    And fuck yyyeeeeeaaahhhhhh I got the finger! Thanks a billion. So honored.

    P.S. -- A for effort, but, uh, my last name has two L's. I know! Two L's and two T's! Shit is CRAZY.

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  4. @Christina Don't be a ninny, you could draw it on the nail with a sharpie.

    @Cari Be careful what you wish for.

    @Paulie I was going to bring that up myself but you know I'd be accused of fishing for shock-value. Thanks for taking that bullet for me, buddy.

    Your last name is some crazy-ass shit, Paulie. Geez. Harder to spell than mine.

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  5. Careful what you say about Dr. Phil; I hear he has mind powers that can zombify you over the airwaves. Then, at night when you are fast asleep, he interjects visions of himself into your dreams. At the end, he asks if you would like to bow up on him, and informs you that he played college ball. Then he tells you that it isn't his first rodeo while he shows you a picture of his wife who, because of plastic surgery, looks like The Joker.

    ReplyDelete