Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Top 5 Things You Shouldn't Say to Me, or Else (A Bitchery Triad Post)


That's right, kids, the Bitchery Triad is back (finally!) with more ménage-à-trois bitchery action from the three of us. Cause you can never have too much negativity, I always say.

After (entirely too) much debate, we settled on today's topic, “things you shouldn't say to me.” I have a feeling their things are going to have to do with single-ness and mom-ness, for some reason.

Hmmm...

Don't forget to go read Solitary Mama's post here, and when you're done with that, go read Bubblegum Cari's post here.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Sweet, you're back. Ok, I'll just go ahead and lead into this by saying there are plenty of things I can't stand people to say to me, but these are the ones that you really, really shouldn't say to me. If you say any of these things to me you are taking a massive risk. The consequences of that risk depend on my mood (which in turn depends on the phase of the moon, ha ha), my blood sugar level, the nature and quality of our personal relationship, and other miscellaneous circumstances, including but not limited to the length of the check-out line at MallWart and the date of my last sexual conquest. If you say any of these things to me, I might:

  • Glare nastily at you
  • Stop taking your calls, and/or lose your number
  • De-friend you from Facebook
  • Complain about it behind your back to anyone who will listen FOR THE REST OF TIME

Contrary to what you might think, being a close friend or relative offers no guarantee of protection from any of these consequences. In fact, being a close friend or relative may well guarantee the most severe consequences, since, as I'll mention repeatedly to anyone who will listen, you should've known better.

Here, without further ado, are the top five things you shouldn't say to me, or else:

5) “I'm deleting you from my Facebook because...”

Oh, you wanna delete me from your Facebook? Fine. Go ahead. No problem. Just don't notify me or offer me any explanations. Why? Because if you don't, I'll never even notice that you're gone, you self-centered douchenozzle.



4) “What are you doing? Still writing? Oh, don't worry, I can get you a job.”

Ok, maybe I haven't been clear. Let's go over this again. Pay attention this time:

Writing. Is. My. Job.

Unbelievable, I know.

That's right, writing. Is my job. All by itself. I write stuff – web content and advertising copy – and I give it to people – companies and such – and then they give me money. I use that money to pay my bills and buy things, just like you do with the money from your job.

Gasp!

I love writing and I'm good at it, and I love that people pay me to write, so that I can make a living doing what I love and what I'm good at. It doesn't matter that the writing isn't particularly creative or artistic or, ahem, “revolutionary,” because it's the act of writing itself I enjoy, not the ego boost I get from “being a writer.”

Besides, the ego boost kinda dissipates when you graciously offer me part-time, minimum-wage work, as if my career, my clients and my successes mean nothing.

3) “But, you should be writing something creative and personal, just for you!”

And you should be minding your own business. Weren't you paying attention before?

Now why would I think you were?

I know you've got some romantic idea of what it's like to be a writer. You'd rather have me working some soul-crushing, low-paying job whilst I struggle to squeeze out a brilliant novel that will finally make it all worthwhile.

I've been down that road before. I'd tell everyone how I aspire to be a writer someday and they'd all nod and trade knowing looks, because who the hell doesn't? As an added bonus, I'd get to be secretly (ok, loudly and openly) resentful about wasting my God-given talent and dammit I know I'm better than that.

Or I can keep doing it my way, which means I get to feel fulfilled whether or not I ever win the publishing lottery and actually make a living from writing something creative and personal, just for me.

Pictured: The chances of that happening.


Of course, I know why you're saying that. You're writing a 7,000-page novel and dreaming about how one day it'll be a best-seller and you'll travel the world on your yacht, never needing to work again.

Well guess what, I get seasick. ~Pline


2) “But, you make your own hours!” * pout * * pout *

I always get this one when someone wants me to blow off my work for them, like if they want me to come get ice cream and it's not my lunch break, or something.

To which I will respond with some variation of, “Yeah, and I'm making them right now,” because yes, I do my make own hours – and you don't.

Believe it or not, I do have a certain amount of work to get done each day, and it's not gonna happen if I don't stick to some kind of a schedule. You think that “making my own hours” means I'm free to do whatever I like whenever I like, and oh, yeah, I might do some work if I can fit it in later.

If you're wondering why you're not the boss at your own place of work, this is why.

I have a more flexible work schedule, but that doesn't make being available to you a priority. I have a right to plan my own day and you need to quit with the guilt trips.



1) “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!?”

No, I'm just getting fat, you stupid b*tch.

ProTip: Never ask a woman if she's pregnant -- EVEN IF SHE'S GIVING BIRTH.


The Bitchery Triad has its own Facebook Page! Come show us some love! Because it smells good there!

34 comments:

  1. "Pictured: The chances of that happening."

    Dying Marjorie, lol. I think you're a brilliant writer and I'm lucky to know you! The douchenozzle scared the crap outta me. Just sayin'. But that post was bitchery hands down, well done...you win a t-shirt;)

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  2. A t-shirt with a picture of some bitches on it. That douchenozzle is scarier than the bald cats.

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    Replies
    1. I've got some bald cat photos that would catch your screen on fire. Just you wait and see.

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  3. Wowe, your consequences are very forgiving. My number one thing I hate to have said to me is 'You chose to be pregnant' (even though I am not, currently) because unless my husband can suddenly miraculously get pregnant, I didn't really choose it. I didn't choose to be a woman, I was born that way, which means if we as a couple choose to have chikldren, then I must get pregnant. Much as I would rather passs this odious task to him.

    And anyone saying this to me must dodge swinging half bricks in socks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My consequences *have* to be forgiving, cause if they weren't all my friends and half my family would be dead.

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  4. I actually burst out laughing at the last one!! xx

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  5. Your last pic - best pic evar...EVARR!!

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  6. ROF, I so hear you. None of my friends understand even a little bit what I do or how it works.

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    Replies
    1. And trying to explain it is so frustrating. Then they see you getting frustrated and decide that you must hate your job. Thus the cycle worsens.

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  7. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Great stuff! If I were to add anything to this amazingly great list, it would be "It's just your OPINION of what good writing is. Different strokes for different folks. It's totally subjective. I LIKE Stephenie Meyers."

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    Replies
    1. OMFG don't get me started. Glad you liked the post.

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  8. Yeah! You just received my “Gimme 4! Award.” Congratulations!

    Go to either my blog to copy the award image onto your blog, or just get the image here:
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4iUncOpRGF8/T2x4jQGIvnI/AAAAAAAAAJA/JXaHPZXz-Tc/s300/gimme4.jpg

    Display it proudly on your now award-winning site. You should be proud.

    Don Pennington

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, do I have to give you something now?

      Delete
  9. Lol! Love it. Especially Number 1! That's a glare if I ever saw one.

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  10. I am with you on people minding their own business and you writing in a way that pays you. I also want my walnut from the giveaway. I saw that one guy tell you why he was defriending you. Lame.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, but inspiring. ;)

      Walnut? When was I giving away walnuts?

      Delete
  11. I learned that even if you see a tiny foot sticking out from under a woman's dress that you absolutely do not ask if she's pregnant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NEVER EVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER AT ALL.

      Delete
    2. Perfect, Q. I have a pregnancy that wont go away, either. But then, we're men - so we just say "miss a few gym trips, lard-ass?"
      Men: we socialize by insulting each. We know we don't really mean it.
      Women: you socialize by complimenting each other. We know you don't really mean it either.

      Special thanks to Christina Majaski for inadvertedly sending me over here - from her blog.

      Delete
    3. LOL yeah. The dudes love it when I get all verbally abusive at them. At least, they do until the new wears off. ;) Thanks for stopping by, Saul. Hope to see you again.

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  12. LOL @ Saul! So true on the insult scenario.

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  13. Maybe your best work yet, real and refreshing!

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    Replies
    1. Now you sound like you're writing a Washington Times Book Review. Reel it in, buddy, reel it in.

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  14. I love all this bitchery! I was googling my own bitchery blog which has been severely neglected and is mainly just a venue for me to spew profanities that are too much for my fb family & friends. Fortunately, mine sucks so bad it doesn't turn up in search results, but I found other practicers of Bitchcraft! Yessss!

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  15. Well said! I WAH also, and no longer answer my personal cellphone or the door during business hours.

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    Replies
    1. Well the good thing about living in a rural area is that nobody wants to drive all the way out here just to knock on my door. But I have had to turn the phone off more than once.

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  16. I wish we could have drinks. We would be laughing so loud we'd get tossed out by the bouncers! 😀

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    Replies
    1. I don't think I wanna drink at a bar where they toss you out just for laughing. That sounds like a one shitty bar to me.

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