Monday, April 2, 2012

3 Bitchery Basics (A Bitchery Triad Post)


While it's been made pretty clear that no one else can join the triad (triad being three after all, as some asshat on Twitter or Triberr was quick to point out last time, even though, you know, we already knew), the other bitches and I have discussed it and decided that we're going to allow people to write their own Bitchery posts. This is something like those kits you can buy in the children's crafts aisle at MallWart, you know, the Make Your Own [fill in the blank] deal where the thing you wind up making is kinda small, flimsy, and constructed largely of macrame cord, but that's just what you get for not being as awesome as me, I mean, us.

"Congratulations, it's a...what is it?"

Here, my little grasshoppers, are the three basic elements of bitchery. Slap these suckers together about any old way, and you get a bunch of angry f*ckers shouting at you on Facebook.

Or is that just me?

Speak Your Mind

Apparently this is one of the bad behaviors my grandmother, a paragon of politeness and good manners, tried to root out of my black little heart early on. She was too ladylike to ever find fault with anyone, however, and also, my mother was around, totally modeling bad behavior.

Be Funny

Actually being funny means that people will forgive you for number one, most of the time. I don't mean funny in that “I was actually insulting you but now that you're offended I'm going to say I was joking, and try to convince you you're oversensitive” kind of way. That's for loser boyfriends. You want to be genuinely funny, and if you want to insult someone, make it stupid people, since they probably don't read your blog and if they do, their enraged comments will only add to the fun. If you f*ck this up, kid, you'll get fired from the Internet.

We can do that, you know.

Be Insanely Smart, and Hot, and Kinda Scary

That's three things, I know, but I couldn't decide which was most important. You're on your own for the first one, but you can accomplish the last two easily by setting yourself on fire.

Ha ha ha, ha ha.

Follow us on Twitter to get bitchery delivered in 140 characters or less, and like our Facebook page for updates on our upcoming link-up blog. In the meantime, feel free to post your own Bitchery Replies on the Facebook page, either in link form or in long, rambling Wall Post Rant form, whichever suits your personal style.

Don't forget to check out Solitary Mama and Bubblegum Cari for their own Bitchery Triad posts.

Until next time, bitch on, friends.  

22 comments:

  1. You couldn't be this hot if you lit your ass on fire. ~Me

    Love you, bitcheries...

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    1. OMG I was so tired when I wrote this. Love you too. x PS -- Nice tiger.

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  2. Ha, I can do all those! especially 1, and apparently I do the third part of number 3 without trying. I've even tried to stop (cause, you know, it puts a crimp in one's social life) but I failed miserably. No matter what I do, I am, apparently, doomed to be scary. I supopose there are worse dooms.

    It was me the asshat made that comment to! Just had to claim credit *preens*. And I gave him a right serve, and funnily enough, he didn't make any response.

    Oh, yeah, and I'm back! I got my internet properly connected last Sunday!

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    Replies
    1. OMG you're back! Yay!

      I didn't even know I was scary until recently, when I realized that pretty much everybody kept making remarks about my scariness. I'm pretty sure I've transformed from relatively non-threatening -- perhaps, even cowardly -- to scary in the recent past.

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  3. I bow to your scariness, oh great Bitchery one. Teach me more of the ways of the Bitchery. I am your able student.

    Okay, whatever. Sorry, I don't know what that was. I just know you three ladies crack me up & make me wanna follow you around the playground like the dork chasing after the cool kids. Thanks for keepin' it realz!

    Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
    http://www.theworld4realz.com/
    theworldforrealz@gmail.com

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    1. Or like the little boy who had a crush on my in kindergarten. I hope you're not planning on kissing me under the monkey bars.

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  4. Haha I love the last one! Which of course all three of you are! xx

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  5. Lemme get this straight: alls I gotsta do is look like a kitten and drink a whole bunch of sodey-pop? I soooo got this.

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    1. Lollipops, you have to eat lollipops. Also AH IZ TIGER AH WILL EATS YOU!

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  6. We're so bitchery it's scary hot. Oh and I think we all freakin' nailed this one without even talking about it. Going to check out Twitter Tiger.

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    1. I'm relieved, cause by the time I got to it I was like, "I wanna go to bed, I don't even know what my name is any more."

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  7. I want to be just like the Bitchery Triad when I grow up.

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  8. Not all that smart, except in my own mind. Ditto for hot. Scary I can do. As for funny, well, that depends on which persona I'm into that day. Or how much stand-up I've watched lately. Now the bitchery part, well, I think I can handle that.

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  9. Smoking hot...check. Insanely smart....check. Kinda scary....double check. Funny.....ummmmm I'll have to get back to you on that one.

    :-P Love all three of you ladies posts, they never fail to make me laugh, usually while I'm at work which just makes it funnier. My day craves your bitchery posts, keep it up!!!

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    Replies
    1. Laughing when you're not supposed to laugh is the best kind of laughing. Bet your coworkers think you're insane. That's just the kind of result we look for around here.

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  10. Damn, I have every element but the hot part going for me. I'm about as hot as Nick Nolte's booking photo.

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  11. Haha, If you could only hear me and my BFF talk. Shameless bitchery running amok and banshee laughter. Is that scary enough??

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