Thursday, August 23, 2012

Increase Your Freakin' Word Power

A Mother Life

If you're still having trouble distinguishing “your” from “you're” and “its” from “it's,” this post is not for you. This post is lost on you. Go read this post instead. Maybe you'll learn something.

No, in this post, we're going to learn some new words! See if you can't slip some of these into the convo next time you're visiting the folks or binge drinking with friends. Remember, though, in this economy, many people can't afford ten-dollar words like these. Try not to show off too hard.

You b*tch, you know I can't afford this blatherskite.

Formicate – verb

Ha ha ha ha it means, “to swarm like ants.” As in, The neighborhood children formicate over the ice cream truck. You dirty-minded bastard.

Flapdoodle – noun

Nonsense; bullsh*t; blatherskite. This is one of my personal faves, but I can't seem to convince anyone it actually exists.

When I used the word flapdoodle, my creative writing professor told me to stop making up words. That b*tch.

Flibbertigibbit – noun

A flighty, chatty person

I thought I would die of boredom because the flibbertigibbets I was hanging out with wouldn't stop talking about their boob jobs.

Poodle-faker – noun

Ladies' man.

Wait, what? Really?

Ultracrepidarian – noun

One who is full of sh*t.

Callipygian – adjective (I think)

Having shapely buttocks.

Pulchritudinous – adjective (definitely)

Physically attractive, curvaceous; usually used to describe women or the female form.

Cockshut – noun

Evening; twilight; totally not what you thought it was.

Honeyfuggle – verb

To deceive, by flattery or sweet-talk. 

The callipygian poodle-faker honeyfuggled the pulchritudinous flibbertigibbet with his ultracrepidarian flapdoodle, thus gaining access to her bedchamber at the cockshut.

Well, well, well.

Fustigate – verb

To b*tch and moan.

I blocked him from my Facebook because he kept fustigating about my Wall posts.

This is a real thing that I can, have, and will do. You are warned.

Zedonk – noun

The offspring of a zebra and a donkey, in which the father is a zebra and the mother is a donkey.
When the zedonk's mother was drunk, she'd often say things like, “You're the reason your father went back to the savannah!” Poor thing.

It's always the children who suffer. ~ sannse

Gossypiboma – noun

A surgical sponge accidentally sewn up inside a patient. 

Roger had to sue the hospital because of the gossypiboma.

Yes, kids, there's a word for that. Even worse, there's a picture of it. Don't say you weren't warned:

Pictured: Your vocabulary dollars at work.

Lippitude – noun

Soreness of the eyes. 

That picture of the gossypiboma gave me some serious lippitude, bro.

This will be hella useful for the next time you get pinkeye.

Makebate – noun

One who creates contention or strife; an asshole. 

When the makebate finally got his ass handed to him, the whole town rejoiced.

Jaculation – verb

To throw or hurl. Almost what you think it means. 

Everyone watched with bated breath as the pro dart player made his jaculation. 


Humdugeon – noun

An imaginary illness. 

I thought I had tooth cancer, but it was just another humdugeon.

Anthropodermic – adjective

Consisting of human skin. When that guy you met online turns out to be a serial killer, you'll be able to describe his home décor and/or wardrobe to the 911 dispatcher. You're welcome.

Fantods – noun

A nervous fit; a state of extreme agitation.

The sight of the anthropodermic sofa upholstery gave him the fantods – as well it might, for his host was a chainsaw-wielding clown. “Dear God,” he prayed, “if you get me out of this alive, I swear I'll never look for dates on Craigslist ever again.” Alas, it was not to be, for there is no God, and thus did the chainsaw-wielding clown gain a new pair of matching lampshades.

I'm f*ckin' sick, ya know that?

6 comments:

  1. I have been fustigating in my own mind from the time my daughter's principal uttered the flapdoodle, "that sounds awesome", in response to my informing her that my daughter would be dropped off in the am and riding the bus in the pm. Thankfully, your post came along, allowing me to vent,and preventing me from getting the full blown fantods and from having to jaculate something. I am sure there are some punctuation and maybe even grammatical errors, but I sure did try! :) Abby

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  2. "Don't say you weren't warned." Acually, when this sentence appears *immediately* above the picture, it's not really a warning! lol

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  3. "Flapdoodle" and "honeyfuggle" are my new favorite words. Thank you.

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  4. Haha, some of those should mean other things. :)

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