Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Is It Just Me, or Am I Getting Bad Dating Advice?

A Mother Life

As many of you know, I'm single and have been for some time. I've probably reached the point where people think there's something wrong with me.

Nothing wrong with me at all, I'm a catch.

I'm not actually that fussed about dating. I haven't met anyone who seems worth it. I have better things to do than sit around in restaurants, morosely picking at my cheese fondue while some starry-eyed stranger tries to cram our lives together like the wrong two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

Besides, I know how love happens. Love, like cancer and car accidents, happens when you least expect it. One day, you're going about your business, not bothering anyone, when suddenly, BAM! You're in it.

Ugh.

Nevertheless, some of my girl friends are desperate to see me blissfully happy, whether I like it or not. Granted, I've been known to b*tch about being single, but I have to listen to them b*tch about their boyfriends, and turnabout is fair play.

Their unsolicited advice doesn't exactly bother me, but much of it is just plain f*cking stupid. Such as:

Pressuring Me to Date People I Don't Wanna Date

I guess everyone, at some point, has at least one dismal prospect who just keeps hanging around, no matter how many times you tell them to f*ck off. My girl friends keep encouraging me to go out with one, some, or all of these people. When I say, “Well, I'm really not interested at all,” they respond with things like:

  • “But he loves you.” Maybe, but I don't love him. The last time I checked, that was kind of important.
  • “Oh, come on, it's only a matter of time.” What the hell does that even mean?
  • “Sometimes you just have to make do.” No, sometimes you just have to make do. I, on the other hand, am hot. I do not have to make do.
  • “Oh, you know how girls are. Just sleep with him a couple of times, you'll fall in love.” Really? You don't say! Tell me more, divorcĂ©e.

You might as well just come right out and say it – “You're lucky to get anyone! You'd better go for it because you might not get anyone else! Ever! Again!” Please, your desperation is driving even me away.

Seriously, though, I thought we knew this was a recipe for disaster. This kind of thing leads to sexual frustration, depressive disorders, romance novels, extramarital affairs and some poor bastard sobbing at the end of the bar. Funnily enough, when I say, “If you like him so much why don't you date him yourself,” all they'll do is shudder.

I can't imagine why.

Telling Me I Should “Make More of an Effort”

I get this one a lot: “You don't even try, Marjorie. Maybe if you made more of an effort, Marjorie.”

To be fair, maybe I could make more of an effort. Maybe I could stick my tits out and toss my hair around and giggle a lot and say things like, “Oh my Gawwwwd, you're so smart!”

Then again, if you're a regular reader, you're probably aware that I don't give a happy f*ck. It's not that I don't care about my appearance, it's that I reckon my appearance is already pretty damn good and I don't need an inch of shellac to bring it up to code. I'm not that kind of girl, anyway. I like not wearing makeup, because it means I can rub my eyes.

And no, I don't see a problem with this. I might as well start as I plan to continue, right? I'm not going to become a totally different person just because some stud waved his magical c*ck wand at me, so there's no point in false advertising.

Pushing Me to Settle

As you may have guessed, I've spent a lot of time with the wrong people. It's left a bad taste in my mouth – kinda like sucking on nickels. Especially if one of those nickels got dropped on a hot sidewalk and spent some time stuck to old gum.

Ew.

Having wasted years of my life hanging out with dumbsh*ts, you can imagine how I feel about the prospect of wasting more time with more dumbsh*ts. I've only got one life, as far as I know, and I'd prefer to spend the rest of it not putting up with unnecessary crap, where at all possible. I'll take this one step further and say that I would also prefer not to find myself giving another person unnecessary crap, just because they're such an ass-kissing little b*tch. Remember, kids, it's hard to respect someone who's kissing your ass.

Yes, I know that I'm Not Getting Any Younger and I Don't Have Very Much Time Left and If I Don't Find Someone Soon, It Will Be Too Late. Because men are like bananas or something – yeah, actually, they are. By the time you get to the shops, all that's left are the black ones and the green ones, ha ha ha.

That's not racist, it's a metaphor. ~ Steve Hopson

But I digress. The next time you're down at the supermarket, trying to choose between the under-ripe and over-ripe bananas, look around for a second at all of the weirdos who have managed to find True Love. That's right – and what am I? Hot, goddammit! I'm sure when the time comes, I'll be able to find someone with two eyes and all of his teeth. Fear not.

Of course, maybe the time will never come. Maybe it won't come until I'm all old and fugly myself. I don't want kids, so it doesn't matter. When I'm damn good and ready, and not a moment before, I'll go down to the supermarket and chat someone up while I'm buying bananas. Two birds, one stone.

And daiquiris. ~ Chilli Club

Encouraging Me to Move Too Fast

I'm going to call it “moving too fast” even though what I'm technically talking about is moving in too fast. A friend once tried to tell me that the deadline for moving in with a man is six months. As in, “You'd better be living together by six months because men won't wait much longer than that.”

Wait...what?

I guess it's normal for a couple to move in together after, like, two months, but I guess it's also normal to have a bad, bitter break-up and block traffic by throwing your ex-partner's crap into the street, only to have them make a Facebook profile under your mutual child's name and pretend that a six-month-old can type, and that nobody knows it's really them making douche-y remarks about you on a public forum. I wish to avoid this kind of thing.

Even without the drama, cohabitation is a f*cking big deal. When it happens, you sort of start to melt together like a weird f*cking sci-fi monster with two heads and no shame. Some people even go to the bathroom in front of each other, for f*ck's sake. I mean, if someone's gonna be watchin' me piss, I've gotta be damn sure it's for the right reasons.

Not tonight, I've got a headache.






25 comments:

  1. Well, I'd never tell you any of this shit. i don't believe in any of it. Then again, I've been single for longer. So there's that.

    Woot. Cauldron of witch mops for life...

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    1. OF COURSE YOU'RE SINGLE, NO ONE WANTS A WITCH MOP.

      Jk, everyone wants a witch mop.

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  2. Speaking from high atop the cauldron of witch moppery, I say all that is a bunch of crap too. It's all settling. I'd rather be happy and single than in a relationship and miserable. You're a smart girl, you know this.

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    1. Yeah that's exactly the line of thinking that led me to where I am today. Btw thanks for commenting you guys, I was worried you didn't love me anymore.

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  3. I think you're doing fine just doing your own thing. No one can go looking for love unless they plan on paying a fee and running the risk of being arrested. Love just happens. I know I sound like a movie title for some rom-com, but it's true. I've been there, done that. The more I looked, the harder it was to find. But, don't fool around and not enjoy being single. Take advantage of that freedom!

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    1. Back when I was a miserable lonely fool, everyone was always all like, "It'll happen when you don't want it to happen," and I was like, "So, I'm still not getting what I want?"

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  4. Time waits for no one - true, but only you can know your own happiness, and if that means waiting for the 'right' person, or being on your own, or getting a groundhog instead of having a boyfriend, so be it.

    What you want is the most important thing.

    xox
    eden

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    1. I have a groundhog. It lives in the woods across the street. I call it Henry, and feed it my leftovers.

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  5. Yikes, people are really telling you all this stuff? The stupidity levels are frightening. My skin is crawling and I cringe at the idea of a woman telling a man he's so smart. Anyway, where are the men telling women this? Is my smartness LESS important than his? Screw that!

    The worst advice I ever had was 'maybe you should tone down your personality on a first date'. Like hell! Do they think that if he can't handle it ona first date, he will somehow be able to handle it later when I suddenly reveal to him that the person he thought I was was a lie?

    My personal philosophy was let it all hang out on a first date. If he doesn't come back for a second date, then you've saved wasted time. If he does, then he might actually be worth considering keeping.

    But when it came to getting dates... yeah I got nothing. Except a long list of men who told me I was intimidating as they pointedly did NOT ask me out.

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    1. I think the theory behind toning it down on the first date is that, by the time they discover you're intimidating/crazy/whatever, they're already falling for you and therefore more willing to overlook it. Everyone puts their best feet forward anyway.

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  6. Why say f*ck so much and not just say fuck? Are you trying to have manners and curse at the same time? I never understood why writers do that. Just curse if you’re gonna curse. Fuck for physical need with or without a man…..find a good banana in the produce section. Tell your friends to their faces to fuck off and go back to their miserable lives. I am sure like all of us they could be working on some of their own problems. Enjoy being single and as you said, love will come like cancer or like an oncoming bus that just plows you over. No need to tell me to fuck off I can hear you loud and clear already.

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    1. OMG, you could tell I meant fuck???

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    2. You know…you should tone it down a bit, after all this is only my first time meeting you. What the F*ck?

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    3. That's Ciara you're thinking of, I'm sure.

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  7. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME

    impending doom : dating version.

    I don't really have anything to say about relationships because fuck if I know anything good about that, but bananas are good, and I like bananas. Sometimes they are telephones.

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    1. I still don't even know what that means? It's only a matter of time until some loser roofies me and impregnates me with his child? Or until I lose my looks and have to take what I can get? smh

      Anyway thanks for not giving me advice/reassuring me. I know people mean well but I don't require reassurance.

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    2. it's like... maybe, you know, those people that fancy themselves matchmakers? And they're like IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL YOU SEE I'M RIGHT AND FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH TIMMY YOUR IN-BRED COUSIN WITH NO ARMS. YOU TWO WERE MEAAAANNNNTT FOORRR EAAACHHH OOOTTHHHEEERRRRRR.

      smug assholes trying to matchmake! no one wants to marry that dude! he eats fuckin dish soap!

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    3. Bahahahahaha I love you Paulie, thanks for clearing that up.

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  8. “Sometimes you just have to make do.” No, sometimes you just have to make do. I, on the other hand, am hot. I do not have to make do.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

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  9. As my grandmother used to say, there's a cover for every pot. Just hold out for the right cover, otherwise all your sh*t will boil over and make a huge mess all over the stove. Hmmm, that sounded funnier in my head.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. *nods sagely*

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