Monday, October 8, 2012

People I've Unfriended

A Mother Life

Facebook is really irritating, because you have to put up with a bunch of unpleasant f*ckers. For a while I tried really hard not to unfriend anybody, but then I finally just couldn’t take it anymore, and started unfriending everyone who looked at me funny, figuratively speaking. These are some of them:

The Concerned Friend

This is that asshat who usually sends private messages expressing his concern for my well-being, since it’s obvious, from the things that I post on my Wall, that I’m wrong in my head somehow. He (and yes, it’s almost always a man, for some reason) might feel I’m espousing the wrong political beliefs, or supporting the wrong politicians – he’d certainly rest easer at night if I’d read these 17 links about how voter apathy is going to revolutionize the two-party system, I’m sorry, I mean how the two-party system is a conspiracy to keep the little guy down and lead the country towards full-blown tyranny and our only hope is to stop participating.

Or, he might be deeply grieved to see that I’ve been hornswoggled by the Prince of Lies into believing that women are people but fetuses aren’t, and that gays should be allowed to marry, and that it’s okay to talk to blacks. He’s only sending me this six-page message out of concern for my immortal soul, and not at all because he’s a bigoted assclown, honest. I wish I really were best buds Lucifer, so I could sic him on you.

Go get 'em, boy! ~ Joe Butler

The Proud Mommy

Ok, it’s great that your little angel made poopie all by himself today. Really, honestly, I’m happy for you. I don’t need to see pictures.

Using my powers of observation, I can deduce that it’s pretty normal to be completely obsessed with everything your kid does, especially when it’s your first kid, or you’re a stay-at-home mom who doesn’t get out much. I would suggest going to a class of some sort, joining a book club, arranging some play dates, or doing what my mom did, which was force me to play with her friends’ kids whether I liked it or not. For the record, I did not. But at least my mom would’ve had something to post on Facebook.

The Drama Queen

I think it’s unfair to constantly post about how someone (you won’t name names, because you’re classy like that) had better stop talking shit/mind their own business/stay away from my husband/stop messing with my kids. I’d like some more details. Who is this person or people? What exactly are they doing? When and where will the ass-kicking occur?

Can I bring my own popcorn or do I have to buy it from you?

The Irritating Relative

The Irritating Relative is a lot like the Concerned Friend, except he (sometimes she, but again, mostly he) feels utterly vindicated in lecturing me publicly, right on my Wall, because he’s “family” and therefore has a “duty” to teach me “sensible behavior.” Because I’m only 30 years old, I have no f*cking idea what I’m doing.

I have a large extended family, which sucks, because so many of them insist that I treat them with the utmost respect, even though they’re complete assholes. When I call one of them on being a complete asshole, they get all pissy because “you can’t talk to your family that way.” Oh, really? Because you’re talking to your family that way when you jump up on my Facebook and start lecturing me like I’m a naughty toddler. I don’t care if you’re the f*cking Pope, I’m not putting up with it.

I'm not coming to your funeral either, asshat. ~ Robert Lawton

The Poet

This guy wouldn’t know poetry if it walked up and kicked him in the ass, which it should do, because it deserves some revenge for what’s been done to it.

The Racist F*cker

You’d be surprised how many of them are still around. There’s a whole Tumblr dedicated to racist f*ckers on Facebook. One day a photo of a high school classmate’s husband’s swastika throat tattoo appeared in my feed with no warning at all.

That's what drove me over the edge, actually.


22 comments:

  1. I don't know if you have any of these people, but what about the ones you evidently went to school with or hung out with or did SOMETHING with once or twice or for years but really can't remember them at all?

    Like, there's this one girl, she says we went to college together, she talks to me like we're old friends and it is very likely we were, but I literally have no memory of her whatsoever. Not even her photos look familiar. Nothing. Rings zero bells.

    So she's either the world's best stalker, or I was drinking WAY more in college than I thought I was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I have several of those. The magic of Facebook is that you can totally pretend you remember them.

      Delete
  2. Helmets help with this issue of crazy people you went to college with. Fuck, now I am stalking you on the internet. I will go get a restraining order against myself.

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    1. I hope it doesn't so enrage you that you slip right over the edge.

      Delete
  3. I wish I could say I didn't know any of these folks, but I do. Damn damn damn.

    I haven't unfriended (m)any of them, most I just hide. I had one guy from high school message me and say that I'm "one of the blacks he mentions when people say blacks are no good."

    Huh?? Er...thanks??

    My personal profile doesn't get much love these days for many of the reasons you mention here. That's why I stick to my fan page - nobody wants to talk to me on there!

    BTW that devil drawing rocks lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That devil drawing couldn't have been more perfect for my purposes. Sometimes Creative Commons just really comes through, you know?

      You're held up as an example of "good" black person, huh? I really don't know what to say to that. Congratulations?

      Delete
    2. Dear John "Good Black Man" Garrett,

      I had the same thing done to me, only it was a woman in France claiming I was one of the nice Americans. Um, 'nice' of her???

      Delete
    3. I've had people tell me I was one of the "good" Americans too. I've also had people, when they find out I'm from West Virginia, tell me that I'm "well-spoken." WTF?

      Delete
    4. That's right SP and Marjorie, when someone says something like that to you, you're never really quite prepared.

      I didn't respond when he sent it to me, but since then I thought of it from time to time and though "I shoulda said THIS or maybe THAT..."

      but I was too slow on the uptake lol

      Delete
    5. Oh man, that's the worst -- when you think of the perfect response a month later, or something.

      Delete
  4. If you ever - EVER - unfriend me, you will never - NEVER - get my recipe for blueberry pie. D'ya hear? WELL DO YA??????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear you! I hear you! Please don't withhold the pie recipe! I promise I'll be good!

      Delete
    2. Weeeellllll -- Okaaaaay.

      Delete
  5. Funny, this looks an awful lot like the list of people who bug me! I'd add the illiterate. they're the ones where you have to puzzle out their meaning. I've concluded 50 shades will have served some useful purpose if it improves their spelling.

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    Replies
    1. I should've added "snooty old lady novelists" apparently, cause now I'm getting hate mail from one.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for giving me more reasons to NEVER "friend" Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you ever find yourself with an excess of faith in humanity, open a Facebook account.

      Delete
  7. My fave was the Irritating Relative, because I've had so many attempt to spank my ass in public. My sis is actually *STILL* not really talking to me from a time at least 3 months ago when she attempted that shit on my FB page & I told her --- also on my FB page --- to step off. Unfortunately (but kinda funny, too) a bunch of ppl spoke up on my behalf, no realizing she was my sister. I think *THAT* was was drove *HER* over the edge --- getting spanked back by others who think like I do. Now gives a disdainful "sniff" when referring to my "mystical magical online friends"... the ones who are so "enlightened & think they're better than everyone"... LMAO. Yeah. Kinda like the Irritating fucking Relative who started the shit in the first place. *blah*

    PS. I love you. In a non-stalkish kind of way. Unless you like that sorta thing. Nah, even not then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha. I love it when you're not paying attention and a fight happens on your behalf. Most of my Irritating Relatives are people I try not to talk to in real life, either. Screw that.

      PS I'm already being stalked by an elderly Amish lady, so I'm afraid the position may have already been filled.

      Delete
  8. This guy from high school friended me and the bullshit that showed up on my feed - Oh my god! WTF? He used to be a normal person! So bye bye. Some people are fucking crazy. Like the ones who unfriended me because I changed my profile pic to the marriage equality sign - Wow. Good riddance, pencildick assfaces!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, I know, all the worst things are from old high school classmates. I just don't even bother any more. A lot of them just stayed in the hometown and became more and more stunted as time passed. Sad.

      Delete
  9. Sadly, I'm not surprised how many racist effers are still around and they get the FB boot from me, pronto. I had one person post a status line that said "Ted Nugent for President" the other day. Shit - really??? It's always helpful when they let you know what total asshats they are. Allows you to skip the guess work. Isn't it amazing how universal the facebook character flaws are? People. eh.

    ReplyDelete