Facebook is really irritating, because you have to put up with a bunch of unpleasant f*ckers. For a while I tried really hard not to unfriend anybody, but then I finally just couldn’t take it anymore, and started unfriending everyone who looked at me funny, figuratively speaking. These are some of them:
The Concerned Friend
This is that asshat who usually sends private messages expressing his concern for my well-being, since it’s obvious, from the things that I post on my Wall, that I’m wrong in my head somehow. He (and yes, it’s almost always a man, for some reason) might feel I’m espousing the wrong political beliefs, or supporting the wrong politicians – he’d certainly rest easer at night if I’d read these 17 links about how voter apathy is going to revolutionize the two-party system, I’m sorry, I mean how the two-party system is a conspiracy to keep the little guy down and lead the country towards full-blown tyranny and our only hope is to stop participating.
Or, he might be deeply grieved to see that I’ve been hornswoggled by the Prince of Lies into believing that women are people but fetuses aren’t, and that gays should be allowed to marry, and that it’s okay to talk to blacks. He’s only sending me this six-page message out of concern for my immortal soul, and not at all because he’s a bigoted assclown, honest. I wish I really were best buds Lucifer, so I could sic him on you.
|Go get 'em, boy! ~ Joe Butler|
The Proud Mommy
Ok, it’s great that your little angel made poopie all by himself today. Really, honestly, I’m happy for you. I don’t need to see pictures.
Using my powers of observation, I can deduce that it’s pretty normal to be completely obsessed with everything your kid does, especially when it’s your first kid, or you’re a stay-at-home mom who doesn’t get out much. I would suggest going to a class of some sort, joining a book club, arranging some play dates, or doing what my mom did, which was force me to play with her friends’ kids whether I liked it or not. For the record, I did not. But at least my mom would’ve had something to post on Facebook.
The Drama Queen
I think it’s unfair to constantly post about how someone (you won’t name names, because you’re classy like that) had better stop talking shit/mind their own business/stay away from my husband/stop messing with my kids. I’d like some more details. Who is this person or people? What exactly are they doing? When and where will the ass-kicking occur?
|Can I bring my own popcorn or do I have to buy it from you?|
The Irritating Relative
The Irritating Relative is a lot like the Concerned Friend, except he (sometimes she, but again, mostly he) feels utterly vindicated in lecturing me publicly, right on my Wall, because he’s “family” and therefore has a “duty” to teach me “sensible behavior.” Because I’m only 30 years old, I have no f*cking idea what I’m doing.
I have a large extended family, which sucks, because so many of them insist that I treat them with the utmost respect, even though they’re complete assholes. When I call one of them on being a complete asshole, they get all pissy because “you can’t talk to your family that way.” Oh, really? Because you’re talking to your family that way when you jump up on my Facebook and start lecturing me like I’m a naughty toddler. I don’t care if you’re the f*cking Pope, I’m not putting up with it.
|I'm not coming to your funeral either, asshat. ~ Robert Lawton|
This guy wouldn’t know poetry if it walked up and kicked him in the ass, which it should do, because it deserves some revenge for what’s been done to it.
The Racist F*cker
You’d be surprised how many of them are still around. There’s a whole Tumblr dedicated to racist f*ckers on Facebook. One day a photo of a high school classmate’s husband’s swastika throat tattoo appeared in my feed with no warning at all.
|That's what drove me over the edge, actually.|