Monday, January 7, 2013

5 MORE Signs He May Be a Serial Killer

A Mother Life

Several weeks ago, Christina at Solitary Mama blogged about serial killers, specifically, how to tell if the guy you are dating/are out on a date with RIGHT NOW actually is one. This is crucial stuff, especially in these modern times when we’re all meeting strangers from the Internet, egged on by that one smug bastard you know who’s all “Yeah, I meant my wife on Match.com and we couldn’t be happier.” They say 20% of relationships start online these days. They don’t say how many of those relationships end in murder, but I bet it’s a lot.

Christina already covered some of the basic signs of serial killer-hood, like “bragging about his mad serial killing skills,” “carrying a sword,” “taking you ketchup shopping,” “laughing like a maniac when you talk about your dead parents/sister/brother/kid/friend/dog,” and “being completely insane.” Here are some of the more subtle clues:

1) He’s Got a Case of Paper Towels, a Bucket of Bleach, and a Box of Rubber Gloves in His Backseat.

Yeah, it’s possible that he owns a hotel and really needs that stuff to clean the room. It’s more likely he’s going to use it to scrub your blood off his leather seats, lady.

RUN IF:

There’s also a shovel and a coil of rope.

Or an axe or a hammer or anything like that. ~ Luigi Zanasi

2) He Keeps Calling His “Mother”

Now let’s be honest, nobody calls their mother more than like, once a week, tops. Well, I’m only assuming that, because in my experience, mothers have a way of calling you.

RUN IF:

He fills in his mother’s side of the conversation in a high falsetto voice.

"Yes, Norman, she sounds like a very nice girl."

3) He Emails You Even Though You Didn’t Give Him Your Email Address, or Your Name

This actually happened to me, and I may yet be serial killed for blogging about it. If I disappear or get murdered, you can find the guy’s number on the note I left on my dresser. I was going to straight-up make a bulletin board labeled “People Who May Have Murdered Me,” but I thought that might make me look paranoid to potential suitors.

Who will then feel free to murder me, since there are already plenty of other leads. 

I didn’t meet this guy online; I met him at the bar. Which is to be expected, since we already know the bar is crawling with weirdos.

Like I said, I didn’t even give the guy my name, much less my email address, but he somehow sleuthed it out anyway. I’m not a regular at this particular bar or anything, so Creepo would have had to use some dodgy detective skills to get this information which I, let me reiterate, did not in any way freely offer to him. Then he totally starts emailing me out of nowhere, and when I write back to tell him that he’s being creepy because I didn’t even tell him my name, he got all butthurt and claimed that he “overheard [me] tell the bartender” when I cashed out my tab and that there was “no mystery” in that.

RUN IF:

You should already be running, but definitely run faster if he invites you to drop everything and drive two and a half hours to his isolated woodland cabin for a “long weekend.”

BONUS:

Dude sent me this photo, to lure me out, I guess:

He's got beer? I'm in! No, but, seriously, I'm grateful it wasn't a crotch shot.

4) He Talks About Bladed Weapons a Lot

Now, Christina mentions “brings a sword” as something that is totally, legit weird and a sign that your date is either a serial killer, one of The Three Musketeers, Puss in Boots (d’awwwww), or a Marine in full dress uniform. Alternatively, you’re twelve years old, the sword is plastic, and it’s not really a date because your mother is there.

I think that just talking about bladed weapons a lot on a date (especially a first date) is probably a bad sign, because nobody really uses machetes or samarai swords or throwing stars or anything like that for non-nefarious purposes anymore, unless they’re like, a jungle explorer, and that really rules out samarai swords, throwing stars, and switchblade knives.

You're not still dating that 1950's gang member, are you?

RUN IF:

He speaks wistfully of “that feeling you get when you smell blood,” especially if he also tries to “show you his knife."

5) You Have No Idea Where He’s Taking You

You asked him to take you home, but he’s driving off in the other direction. I hope you have a cell phone signal, or at the very least, a fork in your purse.

RUN IF:

It’s already too late.

FORK HIM!

23 comments:

  1. Girl, your stalker has one of those things they burn bodies in. I hope he wasn't firing that up for you. This post is scary but talking on the phone and playing both sides was hilar...I'm going to do that on my next date.

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    Replies
    1. You're not even trying anymore, are you? Me neither.

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  2. a picture of a beer bottle...

    interesting choice

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    1. He really knows how to woo a lady.

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    2. that's a pretty nice wood stove, too

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    3. Christina reckons he was planning to burn my corpse in it. I think you need a much hotter fire for that. That's drawing from what I learned on my visit to Auschwitz, you know.

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    4. yeah definitely. bodies take an immense amount of heat to burn. but if he planned on, say, drying your body out before burning... that could be doable in a wood stove. maybe mummify you on the back porch. idk.

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    5. i am not a serial killer by the way

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    6. He was totally planning on using the cheap home embalming method perfected by WV farmer Graham Hamrick in the late 19th century to first preserve, and then ceaselessly make love to, my lifeless corpse.

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  3. "ceaselessly make love to" though

    a guy with such devotion and passion and stamina might be worth reconsidering

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    Replies
    1. well, you can give him my number if you want

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    2. LOL Paulie you have a boyfriend!

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    3. YEAH AN OPEN MINDED ONE U KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN

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    4. Well, I hope you've put the life insurance policy in his name then.

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  4. Wow, but consider this: You managed to interest the guy SO MUCH in a very short time that he decided to go and be a detective in order to find you again.

    I gotta give you props because apparently you just got it like that. I'm also forced to give up *some* props because he put in work like that.

    Another thing, I worry that you and Christina might be inadvertently "training" the psychos out there by revealing what they did wrong. It does make for a funny post, but they're probably reading it right now going "so THAT'S where I went wrong...next time I'll avoid these mistakes and that chick is ending up in my trunk!"

    ...and then, inevitably, as a lampshade with a nipple on it. That's just how these things go.

    I hope the next prospect goes better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stalking's not cute or romantic or flattering, it's scary and threatening and criminal. Not that I need to defend myself, but the dude did give me his phone number so you'd think he could have waited a day or two to see if I'd call instead of bombarding me with email messages at an address I didn't give him the very next morning.

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  5. Why sometimes being married has an upside. I now longer have to have the dilemma of he maybe serial killer but he is cute so should I run or have a drink?

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    Replies
    1. I think if you're getting those serial killer vibes you should run first, and drink copiously later.

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  6. Theses are all very good indicators of a scary person....

    Thanks for hooking up at the Hump Day Hook Up.

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