Monday, February 4, 2013

Get a Load of This Guy Who Wants Be My Friend-with-Benefits


So the other night, last night to be exact, this random guy emails me out of the blue on OkCupid with the following deep and insightful missive:

“If you are interested we could maybe set up a friends with benefits situation. Or just one night would work also.”

Well! Somebody’s got some melon-sized balls, hasn’t he? I mean, I don’t know this guy from Adam and here he is jumping right into a “let’s be friends with benefits” message. Like, geez, whatever happened to taking a girl out to dinner, listening carefully to all that she says, pretending to be interested, and then announcing after you’ve fucked her that you’re not looking for anything serious right now? I mean, just because we’ve got the Internet, it doesn’t mean we get to be lazy.

Or maybe it does? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned? Maybe all the young’uns are out there nonchalantly setting up casual sex dates with strangers on the information superhighway? (Ha ha ha remember when they used to call it that? The last time you heard someone say “information superhighway” you were probably spinning a cassette tape around on a pencil, correct?)

Random women of the world, would you fuck this guy? Cause I wouldn’t fuck this guy. It’s not that I have anything against casual sex, either. I mean, I’m totally all about some casual sex. But if I wanted to have a one-night stand, there are bars like five miles from my house.

And let me tell you, “just one night would work also” CRACKS ME THE FUCK UP. I mean, OH MY FUCKIN GOD, DUDE. “If you don’t want to be my friend with benefits, how about just a one night stand?” Did I mention this guy lives like 45 miles away from me? That was actually my first thought – I’m not driving 45 miles just to have a one-night stand, there are bars like five miles from my house. Rest assured this was followed closely by my second thought, Who the fuck does this shit anyway? I mean, really, what kind of creep goes around asking random, strange women if they want to be friends with benefits and/or have a one-night stand? Is there some unspoken assumption that anyone with an OkCupid account is implicitly looking for meaningless sex? Can you not at least buy me a drink first?

It's going to take more than one drink, uggo.

I have, in my life, been previously acquainted with the kind of guy who thinks asking random women for sex is a good idea. These men are neither attractive, nor mature. In fact, I haven’t personally met a guy who admitted to believing that crap since I was in high school, so that should tell you all you need to know.

The logic, in case you’re interested, seems to be that if you ask enough random women for sex, eventually one of them is bound to say yes. I wonder how well that works? I mean, on average, how many strangers would you say a guy has to ask for sex before he lucks out with one who wants to shag an ugly rando with no social skills?

One hundred? Five hundred? ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD?

6 comments:

  1. YOU ATTRACT THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE I'M SO JEALOUS.

    man that is hilarious though. I think ok cupid is getting kinda... hook-upy I guess? I heard it's like the straight people grindr. although I am not 100% sure what grindr is or how it works. I am... at this point I think I am just saying words and hoping they mean something.

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    1. I totally think you're right, as they just introduced this new grindr-like app that lets you know which OkCupid people are drunk and horny RIGHT IN THE SAME BAR AS YOU. If I start getting dick pics I'm out.

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    2. OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS WORLD

      but if I was single I'd be all over that, I know I would

      oh gooood

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    3. Suit yourself, Paulie, I have enough stalker problems as it is.

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  2. Marjorie, you are indeed getting old. Young people do set up hookups in exactly this fashion. My 19yo son is careful to never use the term "hooking up" when he goes out at night, because he knows I know what that means. It would be as awkward as just flat-out telling me, "Bye, Mom! I'm on my way to go fuck some random stranger! See ya!"

    Gotta give melon-balls props for honesty, at least.

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    1. In my day, we hooked up in bars. Sometimes, we still do.

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