Friday, April 26, 2013

W is for West Virginia Jokes

It never fails – every time I reveal that I’m from West Virginia, some butt pirate has to make a joke about incest or tooth loss or broken-down cars, that is, if the assclown even realizes that West Virginia is its own state. It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually impressed if someone I meet knows that West Virginia is its own state. I’m telling you, nine out of ten people think I’m from Virginia, and eight of those people keep on thinking it even after I’ve corrected them multiple times. I guess they think I’m an inbred redneck, I couldn’t possibly know something as complicated as what state I’m from. By the way, if I haven’t been returning your calls lately, this is why.

West Virginia: Separate from Virginia since 1863!

The thing about West Virginia jokes is that everyone thinks they’re so clever and original when they tell me that my parents are obviously siblings or they feign surprise that I can read. Right, in all my life, I’ve never had anyone anywhere assume that I’m ignorant, inbred, easy to take advantage of or unfamiliar with flush toilets. Garsh, I thought I was supposed to warsh my feet in them! Well paint me red and call me embarrassed!

People have even gone so far as to ask me why I dropped out of college, because I couldn’t have graduated, cause ain’t no rednecks got no book larnin! I would not be surprised if someone offered to teach me how to tie my shoes, since this is clearly the first pair I’ve ever owned and I just bought them yesterday to fit in with the real people.

What makes it even worse – and yes, it gets worse – is when the twat waffles in question clearly don’t even know where West Virginia is. A salvage yard owner in Oregon once told me that my gas tank had rusted out because of the “salty coastal air” in West Virginia. I took my business somewhere else.

West Virginia: Landlocked since probably forever, I don't know, I'm not a geologist.

14 comments:

  1. And it's a BLUE state?? Count me among the ignorant.

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    1. Well, it was a blue state until we elected that black guy.

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  2. Ok, so I didn't know West Virginia was a state, but honestly I really don't know American geography at all. I'm from Canada; we live in igloos and dogsled to work and shit :)

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    1. Sure, you get a pass cause you're from Canada. JUST DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN.

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  3. At least you're not from Kentucky (says the girl living in Arkansas). I get the inbred, no shoes, hillbilly jokes as well. I was raised in Oklahoma. The first time I visited NYC someone asked me if I lived in a teepee. They weren't kidding. I didn't, by the way, I lived in a trailer park - not really, but I always wanted to because that's where all the fun kids lived.

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    1. Yeah -- FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. No but seriously, trailer parks suck.

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  4. Hmm, I never thought of West Virginia being redneck. I guess I really am a hermit or something. Maybe it's because I'm nowhere near WV. I always thought it was part of the East Coast. Then again, I guess people farther up north might assume it's redneck. They've never been to Akansas or Georgia.

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    1. It's Appalachia. You could call it the East Coast, or mid-Atlantic, that's not too far off. Even though we're not on the coast, we're definitely not part of the midwest, either.

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  5. Twat waffles is now my favorite phrase ever.

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    1. It's been getting some stiff competition from 'dickpickle' lately.

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  6. I didn't know that West Virginia was a state, but then I'm from Australia and I know zip about US states so I hope you can forgive me :)

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    1. Forgiven! Now you know! And you know more than nine tenths of Americans, I might add! Probably did already, knowing the state of this place.

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  7. I can relate, I live in New Zealand - which is NOT part of Australia. We see world maps that leave it off. The worst - we went into Mailboxes etc in Spain to send home a package. When she appeared completely clueless I told her NZ was an island in the south pacific about 2000km from Australia, and she said, "So, is that near Switzerland?"

    Rhonda from Laugh Quotes

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    1. I understand we both have to endure jokes about sheep, too. I like Kiwis, they're cool.

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