Monday, May 6, 2013

I’m Gardening Beeotches




I’ve been living in tiny garden-less apartments for the past few years, and even though I did at one point live in a duplex with a nice back yard, I was too preoccupied constantly fighting with my ex-hole to bother growing a vegetable garden. Since I now own a house with a big yard, and like plants, I decided to grow a vegetable garden this year. I wasn’t sure if it was time to plant yet, so I checked the Farmer’s Almanac. That shit is like the New York Times for farmers.

I knew this was the right decision for me because shopping for seeds and plants at the home and garden store was perhaps the most exciting thing I’ve done all year, which also tells you how dull my life is at present. The childlike feeling of giddiness I felt when I finally checked out and was able to carry my seeds and plants away only sealed the deal. We always had a vegetable garden growing up, but my grandparents planted the same varieties of the same vegetables year after year, because my grandfather lost his sense of adventure in the war. So naturally, I picked out some different stuff. But not too much stuff, because this is my first personal vegetable garden and I don’t want to get in over my head.

I don't have a rototiller, so me and my excellent cardiovascular health decided to dig the garden plot by hand. I used a mattock, which was really exciting because I've never had the chance to use a mattock for anything before. I didn’t even know that it was called a mattock. I had to look that shit up on Wikipedia. And before you ask, no, I couldn’t just read the label in the store. I found this mattock in my garage. The Mattock Fairy left it for me.

The Mattock Fairy wanted me to make Mother Nature my simpering emobitch.

I've been reading this book about the Great Famine in Ireland, so digging my garden plot made me feel well in touch with my ancestors, except I'm not starving and I'm not also not planting potatoes, but I am using outdated agriculture technology, so there’s that.

Seriously, though, this book is really depressing.

I got all the way through turning up my sod and aerating my soil, using a tool called the “garden weasel” which is like a claw on a stick, and was getting ready to sow my seeds, when I realized that I'd forgotten to buy pea seeds. I am a huge fan of fresh peas and nearly had a spasm, rushing around my house looking for the pea seeds, and finally consulting my seed receipt to confirm that in fact, I had experienced one of my frequent brain farts and forgotten to buy them in the first place. Luckily, the home and garden store is one of the few places where you can stroll in unshowered and covered paint, tar, dirt or the blood of your enemies and no one bats an eye. So, after busting my ass all weekend and making two trips to the eyefuckin’ home and garden store, I now have a vegetable garden. I wait with bated breath to see if my seeds actually grow.

Nothing so far, but at least my tomatoes are still alive.


18 comments:

  1. Oh, you post makes me miss having a garden! Container gardening on a balcony is just not the same.

    It's a little scary how weirdly accurate the Farmer's Almanac is. I found anytime I ignored what it said about when/where/how to plant, the shit never grew nearly as well as when I followed it to the letter

    I have to stay away from the garden store because I want to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on shit I have no room for anytime I go there :)

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    1. Oh I know, it's so tempting! I really want to put in a flower bed too...and a strawberry patch...and a raspberry patch...
      DAMN YOU GARDEN STORE!

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  2. I wish I had the self-confidence to plant a vegetable garden. When plants come in contact with me, I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

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  3. Ooh, gardening! You're a brave woman. I think I'll just stick with my cactus.

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    1. I didn't really think of it as a matter of bravery...is that part of what makes me brave?

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  4. I started the same project this weekend! Only, I didn't get nearly as far, I had to keep chasing a three year old. Oh, and I was using tools from his sandbox.

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    1. Holy crap your three year old must have some badass toys in his sandbox! Good luck!

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  5. i await pictures of your garden-to-be. i just started gardening in a greenhouse, which is new for me. i thought it was going to be fool proof, but it actually takes a lot more attention then i thought. not that i'm a lazy gardener, because i am not, but i have learned that a greenhouse takes a lot of money to have efficient fans, sprinklers, windows, yadda yadda yadda...but so far so good.

    are you in WV? it's the perfect time there to start a garden.

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    1. I'm glad you said that cause I was thinking of building a greenhouse here, but now I think I might just stick to cold frame boxes, or hot boxes, which seem totally manageable. If I build anything at all, Idk, I don't have a lot of experience building things.

      Yep, WV. Northern part, though.

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    2. i think where you're at, you don't really need a greenhouse, and cold frame boxes are the way to go. you could always build a make-shift, sort of seasonal/temporary greenhouse for sprouting, which wouldn't take much efort. but, even winter greens like kale and arugula adore cold weather, even snow. i'm in the desert, so greenhouses are a neccessity.

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    3. Ugh, I hate the desert, everything's pointy and covered with sand. I need to put new windows on my house anyway so I'll have the glass...

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  6. You just have to water that shit and once those plants poke their heads up, talk to them like a crazy garden lady. If that doesn't work, perhaps you'll need to summon another fairy!

    Farmer Joe wants to grow a garden at our place this year and that idea I actually agree with...plus it'll give me an ideal place to bury the rooster!

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    1. The past two days have been rainy, which is probably gonna be great for it. Seriously, you need to make that rooster disappear like Jimmy Hoffa.

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  7. I have a garden but I also have a German mother-in-law that deals with it when I get bored. I can grow herbs like some kind of garden goddess. I can also grow weeds but not any good kinds of weed. There's none of that growing in my yard. I've checked. Your garden looks great so far!

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    1. Thanks! I thought about growing herbs but I don't really know what to do with them...

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