Thursday, May 9, 2013

I’m Pretty Sure No One Really Expects You to Be Friends with Your Ex

I’ve been thinking about this one a lot, lately, since some exes have recently come back into my life. Not that way. The other way. The friendly way.

I’m not saying it’s not possible to be friends with your ex. I’m friends with at least one of my exes – the one who didn’t act like a total handjob when we were together, or turn into a humpmonkey and try to finagle breakup humping, or treat me like a ho after the relationship ended. Exes, if you’re reading this, I’ll leave you all to squabble amongst yourselves RE: which one of you I’m talking about.

You know who you are.

But seriously though, I’m pretty sure nobody actually expects you to really stay friends with your ex. I mean real friends. The kind of friends who celebrate each other’s birthdays, go to each other’s cookouts, send each other Christmas cards, attend each other’s weddings, have beers together – you know, see each other regularly, bond platonically, and continue to be an important part of each others’ lives. That hardly ever happens and no one expects it. After all, the only reason you were hanging around together in the first place was to bump uglies, and now that you're not bumping uglies any longer, continuing to hang around together can range from unproductive to downright harmful. When we say we’ve stayed friends with our ex, what we’re really saying is, “I have little to no desire to pry this person’s eyeballs out with an icepick and fill their cranium with live bees,” or, alternatively, “I would love nothing more than to pry this person’s eyeballs out with an icepick and fill their cranium with live bees, but I have enough character to pretend otherwise.”

Or, if we’re the one who was dumped, it might mean, “I’m not very happy that the hobofucker1 dumped me, but I’m clinging to the hope that he (or she) will feel obliged to make conversation when we next cross paths.”

Or, in some circumstances, “We have some crazy-ass rollercoaster of an on-again, off-again relationship, and we’ll be back together again by next weekend, so don’t clear your schedule.”

If you know even one of the people involved, you can usually tell which one it is. 


1 I realize this is offensive to hobos. Hobos, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.



20 comments:

  1. I can't even express the ways in which I agree with this post.

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    Replies
    1. I put a lot of thought into it, you know?

      Delete
  2. True. I don't even bother trying to be friends. Not worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it often means continuing to put up with the crap that led to your breakup in the first place.

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  3. The way I feel about my ex-husband is this: I saw a card that describes it perfectly. The front of the card says, "I ran into my ex-husband today", and then you open the card up and it reads, "So then I backed the car up and ran into him again!"

    That's what I'M talking about! :)

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  4. Humpmonkey: Hypothetically, if we broke up we'd still be friends, right?
    Me: Fuck, no.

    I have one ex that I could actually see myself sitting down with and having a totally platonic coffee with, but he lives at the other end of the country so perhaps that is why!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Humpmonkey (after dumping me for random hippie girl): So...you wanna have sex one last time?
      Me: HELL to the no!

      Yeah, it's kinda easy to get along with someone you never see.

      Delete
  5. high school exes, sure! real life adult exes? hellfucking no. I can't even imagine. Facebook stalking: yes. Real likfe talking: no.

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    Replies
    1. I didn't date anyone in high school, I wasn't popular, ha ha ha *sob*

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  6. Exes are so fun. If you're extra super lucky, you'll have a kid with the guy and you'll think, "I only have to deal with this until the kid is 18." That is incorrect. Said kid will have graduations, a wedding and babies. The babies will have birthday parties and weddings and babies. It's a vicious cycle that goes on for infinity. INFINITY, I say.

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    Replies
    1. I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH ANY OF MY EXES. OMG, what a nightmare that would be!

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  7. I never understood the whole staying friends with your ex concept either. Whether you're the dumper or the dumpee, the last thing you need is to have that constant reminder of what's not happening anymore.

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    1. Oh, I know. The only way I've ever stayed friends with an ex is by having a buffer of not speaking to each other for several months after the end of the relationship.

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    2. And this is why I am genuinely friends with The Writer. Cause there was a buffer. And he's not as douchey as The Artist.

      (I fucking hope no one I know reads your blog, lady.)

      -The Insomniacs Dream

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    3. If they do, it's because they followed you over here. Maybe. Small world, etc. ;)

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    4. Well I meant IRL people. The blogosphere knows all this.

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    5. Oh, well Idk. Are you one of those anonymous bloggers? I guess not.

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  8. Boom. Fucking nail on head.

    Me and The Artist are "friends". This means, we are civil and don't fight over our children. I don't mention that his new gf is young enough to be my daughter and I think she's a whore. I also ask politely for the money every month for the Tinys' phone bill instead of nagging. We don't argue, fight, or rarely talk. We're friends, yo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like you have a deep and fulfilling friendship.

      Delete