Thursday, May 2, 2013

Imma Become a Freaking Hoarder


A Mother Life



Okay, peeps, here’s the deal. I’m gonna need you all to stop sharing photos of the DIY, upcycled, repurposed, reused and generally altered knickknacks that are sprucing up your recession-stricken cribs. Okay, not yours, because I’ve been to your houses and I know you’re not actually building bookshelves out of ladders, because no one actually has a spare ladder lying around, because ladders ain’t cheap. I also haven’t noticed any herb gardens planted in old wagon wheels (also not cheap) or flowers carefully arranged in “useless,” “old” teapots, or living room sets made from wooden pallets and unicorn shit. No matter, somebody somewhere is getting far too creative with junk and then showing it off and it needs to stop. Not the actual creating, I don’t give a beavertaint about that. It’s the showing off that needs to stop.

For realz, if y’all don’t stop sharing nifty pictures of the neato stuff you can make with Mason jars, ladders, tea kettles, console television sets from 1973, iMacs from 1998, egg shells, plastic soda bottles, milk cartons, cardboard boxes, rusted-out buckets, expired light bulbs, plastic gutters, and Grandpa’s old storm windows, Imma wind up crushed to death beneath a heap of my own rancid junk. All of this stuff looks totally awesome, I know, that’s why you’re sharing it. I’ve ooh’ed and ahh’ed over the broom made out of two-liter plastic bottles and the door mat woven from plastic shopping bags myself. Just the other night a friend shared a photo of seedlings sprouting innocently from milk cartons and my inner voice exclaimed, “Finally! A use for all those milk cartons we’ve been wasting!”

I grabbed my inner voice by the throat and throttled it, screaming, “FUCK YOU VOICE I WILL GROW MY SEEDLINGS IN FLOWERPOTS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!”

"TAKE THAT, VOICE!"

Because, while I may have the best of intentions, I am not a crafty person, and it’s not for lack of trying. As a girl, I learned to sew, quilt, crochet, dip candles, the whole nine. Grandma thought these skills would make me a better wife someday. Dear baby Jeebus, was she all kinds of wrong.

Let me count the ways.

While I am not a crafty person, I definitely have a hoarding streak. I watch Hoarders and Hoarders: Buried Alive not because I enjoy it, but because I need a reminder of what I can become. The fact that I could do crafts if I wanted to does not make it any easier to resist the urge to stockpile plastic grocery bags because someday, I might weave them into a bitchin’ carpet. Right, and someday monkeys might fly out of my ass.

Still no monkeys.

16 comments:

  1. The problem is not the awesome people posting photos all over the internet of their totally awesome crafting results. The problem is that people like you and me are not posting photos of the slightly (!) less than awesome result we get if we attempt the same thing. I'm going to, one of these days when I get around to actually doing any of the stuff I plan to do. You should too - let's reclaim the internet for photos that will make ordinary folks think twice about what it is they might be able to do with an empty tube of toothpaste and some glitter. In the meantime, I will continue to save any toilet roll cardboard inserts I can get my hands on because (in combination with a flower pot) they make excellent starter beds for pea and bean seedling to get a good long root going. :)

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    1. Well go you, I just stick my seeds right in the ground like some kind of barbarian lol. I think the Pintester does that -- posts photos of pins gone awry, that is.

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  2. hahaha. I am totally the same way. I have drawers full of old tshirts (to make into quilts) along with al sorts of random crap. I try to clean it, but most of the time I just end up organizing it "better" and putting it back in the closet.

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  3. I have a very small craft room. It looks like a thrift shop exploded.

    "Let me count the ways" made me laugh so loud, I startled my husband.

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  4. Yeah, I learned the hard way that I shouldn't try to be crafty. One day I tried to stain a second hand side table ... lets just say that now I have a half stained table and a kitchen floor that looks like someone was murdered on the lino.

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    1. How do we know someone WASN'T murdered on the lino? Maybe this half-stained table is really your clever alibi...

      "What's that stain on the lino, ma'am?"

      [Innocently] "Oh, that's just where I attempted to stain this table, officer." *whistles*

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  5. Hello! Just discovered you via India Drummond, and so glad I did too. What a brilliant post! I love the way you write. Have a great weekend. Maybe you could make some lampshades out of old shoe insoles... nobody's done that yet... I'm sure! ;-)

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    1. I'm not even sure which part of the shoe that is. Thanks for stopping by!

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  6. I watch all the hoarding shows, too! I can spend hours watching them. Same reason. To remind myself of where I am headed if I don't get my shit together.

    Also, I harbor a secret dream of being a CPO one day. "Hi, my name is Starr and I'm a Certified Professional Organizer, with a specialty in anxiety and OCD."

    I WILL say that one day, even if only in my dreams.

    -The Insomaniacs Dream

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    1. I'm picturing you singing that -- "If oooonlyyyy in myyyy dreeeeaaaaams..."

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  7. About 2 new year's ago I've watched that horder show .. Which promptly made the pendulum swing in the opposite direction, and start a "minimalist lifestyle"
    ...now i don't know what to do with all the fecking empty space.

    ~PolishSpring

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    1. Lie down and roll around, that's what I do with mine.

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  8. Longtime fan, first time caller (commenter). What's it feel like when the monkeys actually DO fly out of your ass? That's a blog right there. Stopping by from the Hump Day Hookup.

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    1. I don't know? It's never happened? Probably just as well because it sounds like I'd need surgery afterward...

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