Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Not a Reflection on My Own Mother at All


You know how people are always sharing those goddamn gushy Facebook reposts that are like, If you have a mother who works hard and loves hard, who took care of you no matter how bad you were, who stood by you through thick and thin — if you're blessed to have her still with you, or if she's an angel up in Heaven, repost this as your status. Because you can replace most people in your life, but you can't replace your mother! 97% of you won't repost this, because you're ungrateful little pieces of shit and your poor old sainted mothers deserve better!”

I really want to start one that says, “If you have a mother who's lazy and hateful, who treated you like a glifnard 1 no matter how hard you tried, who slept with your husband (or wife), and who praises your siblings while putting you down -- whether you still have to put up with her godforsaken crap or whether she's finally been silenced forever by the cold icy hand of death -- repost this as your status. Because you can break up with most people, but you can't break up with that black-hearted bitch who spawned you. 97% of you won't repost this, because you lucky bastards have mothers who love you."

Because terrible mothers exist, and people who have them should be fairly represented on social media.




1 Glifnard -- noun -- A lame motherfucker.

9 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that your mom was an asshole too, but this made me laugh like an Asian school-girl in a tickle fight.
    Luckily, my mom's gotten better as she's gotten older and settled down...

    I don't know that "glifnard" is an actual swear word either, but I suppose that since you made it up and used it -- it is now! I'm going to incorporate that into my list of awesomeness that doesn't exist yet. That was a good one!

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    1. It must be a swear word cause there's a swear word in the definition, right? Seriously, though, G is hard. Glad you liked it! :)

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  2. I think you should make one of those! You've discovered a gap in the market, take advantage!

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    1. I'm afraid someone on my list would blow a gasket. My mother's sisters are not above angry 4 am scream-calls.

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  3. I wanna know how they come up with the percentage - I have some questions about its statistical accuracy. I mean, if we're just pulling numbers out of our ass, why not 99% or 11%? Also, I typically loathe these reposts with every fiber of my being but your version is all kinds of awesome and even though my mom was super fabulous for most of my life, I'd consider posting this one.

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    1. I'm pretty sure everyone loathes these reposts, possibly even the assholes who repost them. You can repost this at your risk -- wouldn't want you to hurt anyone's feelings though.

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  4. I'd make one, but not worth the effort since my Mom is no longer with us. (She wasn't that great)

    -The Insomniacs Dream

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