Wednesday, November 27, 2013

More Things I'm Not Thankful For

Last year around this time I wrote the seminal piece “Things I’m Not Thankful For” because, frankly, all this late-autumn (early winter?) gratitude gets a little old. Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks so, because everyone loved it. So here, for your Thanksgiving enjoyment, are some more things I’m not thankful for.

Books that Suck


I have a lot of friends who will only read things that will “improve” them, by which they mean “give them bragging rights at dinner parties.” Just for the record, I think that’s idiotic.

Reading educational or nonfiction books is one thing, but only reading “classics” even though you hate them does not make you a better person in any way. It just makes you more stuck up. Life’s too short to read that books that suck – and lest you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, I hold a degree in literature, so I can assure that I have read plenty of books that suck.

Dudes on the Internet


OMG FUCK DUDES ON THE INTERNET. They’re disgusting and condescending and the same time. Case in point: Read the comments on my recent post, “Do You Feel Ugly Without Makeup?”, in which various men not only fell all over themselves to assure me that I don’t need and really shouldn’t wear makeup (despite this being, you know, my face to do with as I please), while attempting to invite themselves to my house, because I mentioned my tits, which must mean I'm up for being gangbanged by half a dozen strangers.

THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS, I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER GET LAID AGAIN. Not.

Cat Butt


Every morning I wake up to a face full of cat butt, and I also get it throughout the day periodically, and sometimes the cat farts in my face for good measure. Mostly it’s the Noob who puts his cat butt in my face, probably because he thinks I’m going to lick it clean, like the other cat does. No dice, buddy.

Shopping for Winter Clothes


Winter is with us again, and you must dress like you’re going to a funeral. Oh, you want color? Here’s brown, that’s a color. You want a nice, thick sweater? LET ME CHOP THE ARMS OFF THAT FOR YOU.

Bra Shopping


Why is it that a bra feels perfectly comfortable when you try it on, but after bringing it home and wearing it for a few hours, it makes you want to rip your own tits off? I have one comfortable bra that I wear every day, and I guess that’s just the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life.

This is why our mothers burned their bras, isn't it?

Image by Einar Helland Berger

Car Repairs


I have nothing against the repairs themselves, it’s the cost. This month my car needed head gaskets, a new strut, something done to the axle, and four new tires. It’s still probably cheaper than a horse.

And less bitey.

Image by destiny.dodge

Christmas Car Commercials


Few things are more obnoxious than Christmas car commercials. The kind of person who buys a car as a Christmas gift doesn’t need an advert to remind him to do it, and the rest of us don’t need to be reminded that there’s a kind of person who buys a car as a Christmas gift.

The Entire Christmas Season, Actually



Yeah, I’m thinking of quitting Christmas. I can’t put up decorations because my cats will eat them and need surgery/die, I don’t really believe in Jesus anyway, and I don’t have anyone to buy presents for or any kids who need me to pretend that a fat supernatural stalker is breaking into our home to eat baked goods and leave electronics. The only good thing about Christmas is that it’s a good excuse to throw a party. I used to feel sad that I didn’t have a family on Christmas, but then I thought about all the drama I’m missing and all the money I’m saving, so now I think I’ll just keep it this way forever. 

This is your cue to exclaim "YOU DON'T LIKE CHRISTMAS!?!?" like I'm breaking the fucking law or something.

7 comments:

  1. No Xmas decorating here either, but I can only hide from the family for so long.

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    Replies
    1. That's what the holidays are about -- hiding from your family.

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  2. We don't do the Santa thing with our kid, and the way that people react, you'd think I told them I beat my kid.

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    Replies
    1. My parents raised me without Santa and I'm alright. Mostly.

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  3. I'm not really one for Christmas decorations either, but I have to admit I'm a sucker for carols. The tackier the better.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, but carols are pretty much the worst.

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  4. I probably shouldn't decorate for Christmas because it's like July before that shit comes down.

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