Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015: My Year in Review

I began last year’s year in review post by apologizing for not having blogged enough last year, and it looks like I’m going to have to begin this one by again apologizing for not having blogged enough last year. I’m sorry I didn’t blog enough last year, you guys. I know I’m only hurting myself by allowing my readership to drift off, but running a blog is hard and unlike some blogs I write for, it’s not like anyone is paying me for this one.

Unlike last year, this year has been really interesting. Here’s what I’ve been up to:

I Spent Three Months in France

As I mentioned in my 2014 post, I spend the first few months of the year in France. My plane landed at Geneva seven minutes before they closed the airport for the night, and I missed my Easybus shuttle transfer to Chamonix, so I had to spend the night in the airport. When I finally arrived at like noon the next day, I discovered that there was no power in the apartment because the previous tenant didn’t pay his bill and the landlord hadn’t got the shutoff notice because he lives in the UK and never goes to the flat. It was a real clusterfuck. Luckily I was able to get the power turned on after only three bitterly cold nights in the French Alps in the middle of winter. 

I guess I shouldn’t complain, though, I did get to spend three months in France. But while I was away, ants built a nest in one of the burners on my range. I didn't realize this until I put something on the stove to boil, turned away for a minute, and turned back to find the top of my stove swarming with ants. They were even falling off the front of it like teeny-tiny September 11th victims. It was an exciting five minutes.

I Dumped a Guy

Many moons ago now, I ended a relationship and decided that I needed some time alone to figure myself out. I told myself I’d give myself a year. A year went by, but I still didn’t feel like I’d adequately figured myself out. So I gave myself another year, and then another, and then before I knew it, six years had gone by and I was all, “Shit, I forgot to start dating again.”
So while I was back in France, I got together with an old friend. He’d wanted to date me before, but I turned him down on the grounds that I didn’t think it would work out between us. Unfortunately for all involved, I was correct in that initial assessment.

I Got Dumped

This is notable because I hadn’t been dumped since like 2009, and I had forgotten what an ego blow it can be. Sure, I was upset that the guy didn’t want to date me anymore, but it was more because it hurt my pride than because I actually liked him all that much. He was kind of an odd duck, to be fair. He didn’t know who Neil DeGrasse Tyson is and he once brought me a potholder for no reason.

I Started Grad School

And this, Dear Reader, is why I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m working on a Master of Arts in Professional Writing and Editing at WVU while teaching two sections of English 101, freelancing on the weekends, and working on that book that I resolved to finish in 2014. So, blogging hasn’t been a big priority for me over the past few months, but I’ve got high hopes for next year.

I Found a Snake in My Kitchen 

It was a baby rat snake, about three inches long. I had to catch it in a plastic cup and slide a manilla envelope under it and then do that thing where you turn the cup over real quick, except I kept fucking it up and dropping the snake and then Fatty saw the snake and then it became a kind of race against death for the snake. I prevailed in the end and was able to release the (probably traumatized) snake into my flowerbed, and then I only spent like a month worrying that there might be a whole nest of baby snakes under my fridge or something.

I Didn’t Finish the Book

As I mentioned above, I resolved to write a book in 2014. At the end of 2014, I confessed that I had only written about 17,000 words. I still haven’t finished the book, but I’ve made a lot of progress – I now have a little more than 47,500 words, or about 200 pages. Up until five minutes ago I was all, “I’m making terrible progress on this book I’m supposed to be writing,” but then I wrote this paragraph and now I’m actually quite pleased with myself. 

Thursday, December 24, 2015

A Special Report on the War on Christmas*

Previously, we here at Don’t Call Me Marge declared the War on Christmas over, with Christmas emerging victorious from the long-running conflict that has devastated major world economies and spawned a decade-long worldwide refugee crisis. But tensions have been riding high ever since, and now our correspondents report that the cease-fire has crumbled. The Christmas Treaty has been broken, and the War on Christmas is raging once again.

It’s not yet clear who fired the first shots in this latest escalation in the war on this embattled holiday, but the fighting is already terrible and bloody. A coalition of international authorities has not yet been able to penetrate the most volatile areas, but reports of chemical warfare are circulating. Sources indicate that the enemies of Christmas may even be using tinsel and sparkly fake snow against civilian noncombatants.

In a shocking new development, it appears that Thanksgiving has entered the War on Christmas in an effort to regain the vast swaths of territory it has lost to Christmas’s unimpeded encroachment over the past several years. Representatives for the November holiday say that Thanksgiving is “sick of all this bullsh*t” and “ready to show that red-suited f*cker what happens when you mess with The Turkey.”

Early reports suggest that Thanksgiving’s longtime ally, Halloween, has also entered the War. “It’s only a matter of time before Christmas comes for us, too,” Halloween says.

Meanwhile, some believe that all may not be as it seems with the War on Christmas. “This is a classic proxy war,” says a source who wished to remain anonymous. “Hanukah and Kwanzaa are funneling in weapons and troops. Follow the money, man.”

At press time, Homeland Security was taking steps to protect noncombatants on U.S. soil. Children around the country may be nestling all snug in their beds, but Santa Claus has been banned from the country. The foreign national holds no passport, and has regularly flouted the authority of customs officials and the TSA.

Presidential hopeful Adolph Trumpler supports the ban on Santa. “Every year, that socialist violates our air space to give handouts to lazy children who can’t even do an honest day’s work to pay for them,” says Trumpler. “It’s time real Americans took a stand.”

*With special thanks to my friend Mark for basically coming up with this whole idea.