Thursday, December 24, 2015

A Special Report on the War on Christmas*

Previously, we here at Don’t Call Me Marge declared the War on Christmas over, with Christmas emerging victorious from the long-running conflict that has devastated major world economies and spawned a decade-long worldwide refugee crisis. But tensions have been riding high ever since, and now our correspondents report that the cease-fire has crumbled. The Christmas Treaty has been broken, and the War on Christmas is raging once again.

It’s not yet clear who fired the first shots in this latest escalation in the war on this embattled holiday, but the fighting is already terrible and bloody. A coalition of international authorities has not yet been able to penetrate the most volatile areas, but reports of chemical warfare are circulating. Sources indicate that the enemies of Christmas may even be using tinsel and sparkly fake snow against civilian noncombatants.

In a shocking new development, it appears that Thanksgiving has entered the War on Christmas in an effort to regain the vast swaths of territory it has lost to Christmas’s unimpeded encroachment over the past several years. Representatives for the November holiday say that Thanksgiving is “sick of all this bullsh*t” and “ready to show that red-suited f*cker what happens when you mess with The Turkey.”

Early reports suggest that Thanksgiving’s longtime ally, Halloween, has also entered the War. “It’s only a matter of time before Christmas comes for us, too,” Halloween says.

Meanwhile, some believe that all may not be as it seems with the War on Christmas. “This is a classic proxy war,” says a source who wished to remain anonymous. “Hanukah and Kwanzaa are funneling in weapons and troops. Follow the money, man.”

At press time, Homeland Security was taking steps to protect noncombatants on U.S. soil. Children around the country may be nestling all snug in their beds, but Santa Claus has been banned from the country. The foreign national holds no passport, and has regularly flouted the authority of customs officials and the TSA.


Presidential hopeful Adolph Trumpler supports the ban on Santa. “Every year, that socialist violates our air space to give handouts to lazy children who can’t even do an honest day’s work to pay for them,” says Trumpler. “It’s time real Americans took a stand.”



*With special thanks to my friend Mark for basically coming up with this whole idea.

2 comments:

  1. Too funny! Just wait until the Easter Bunny jumps into the fray!

    Merry Christmas!

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    1. Oh man, the Easter Bunny does NOT fuck around! Merry Christmas/Happy New Year to you too, Phil!

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