I’m going to start all my sentences with “As an essential
worker.” Especially at work, where they are definitely not going to give me
hazard pay, and they probably won’t even give me a badge that says “ESSENTIAL
WORKER” but, as an essential worker, I deserve at least that.
If you read my last post, you’d know that I’m not a truly essential worker, like a grocery
store clerk, a gas station attendant, a trucker, or a medical professional. I’m
a creatively essential worker, which
means that my right to continue living and enjoying my current level of freedom
from major organ damage does not supersede my employer’s right to avoid the slight inconvenience of allowing me to proofread their documents from the safety of my home. As an essential worker, I cannot wait for the class-action lawsuit I'm going to benefit from in five to ten years if I survive the next 18 months. I'm already making plans for how I'm going to spend my $0.53.
I thought for a hot minute that I was maybe going to get to
work from home at least half the time, when my boss sent out an email saying
that we were going to an intermittent telecommuting schedule with half the team
working from home one week and then swapping out with the other half the next
week, but then I was informed in a second communiqué that my department is
deemed essential and that I will not be allowed to work from home at all.
My boss has said that since I have “general concerns” about contracting
COVID-19 due to mine and my husband’s histories of respiratory issues, I can
take two weeks of PTO and then go on unpaid time. I asked if they would at
least move my desk to comply with CDC recommendations that people maintain six
feet of distance from one another. I told them I would come back when my desk
has been moved. So far, I’ve been out for three days. It’ll be four days tomorrow
because they still haven’t moved my desk yet. They have said they are moving
everyone’s desks, which honestly is not a bad idea if they’re going to insist
we come in. As an essential worker, I had expected them to have done it last
week, and I had been prepared to go in tomorrow and risk a horrible, lonely
death for $14.79 an hour and benefits, but then they told me they had not moved
the desks yet, so here we are. As an essential worker, I'm taking it one day at a time, like an alcoholic. That's just one thing that I, as an essential worker, have in common with alcoholics, by which I mean, I need a drink.
Most of my company’s other employees have been put on work
from home already, so at least they won’t be milling around the building,
breathing on us. As an essential worker, I find this both comforting and
infuriating. As an essential worker, I want to get breathed on as little as
possible at this juncture, so I plan to avoid the break rooms and elevators. As
an essential worker, I know I won’t get breathed on in the stairwell because they
are mostly used as dust bunny storage.
 |
| Actual photo of one of the dust bunnies. Image by Eponimm on Wikimedia Commons |
As an essential worker, I’ll probably make my own cold brew
coffee to take in with me so I don’t have to touch the possibly contaminated Starbucks
coffee maker in the definitely contaminated break room, the silver lining of
which will be that I won’t have to drink Starbucks coffee. One of my three
dozen cousins suggested that I go to work in a Hazmat suit and spray anyone who
gets close to me with Lysol, but alas, even if I had a Hazmat suit handy – and as
an essential worker, I could probably improvise one out of garbage bags and
duct tape – there is no Lysol to be had. If I could get my hands on it, I’d
be using it to disinfect my mail, not wasting it harassing my coworkers,
who, let’s be honest, are also victims in this. Someone else suggested a Super
Soaker full of cat pee, and as luck would have it, I do have access to a few sources of cat pee – but honestly, I feel like the situation really calls for a flame
thrower. As an essential worker, I would like to burn it all down.
Of course, I can’t do that, for legal reasons.
